Food Review: Louis Ristorante

On the top floor of the 102 Year old Saint Paul institution, Cossetta's, the crown jewel of the recent renovations is the creation of Louis Ristorante & Bar. This classy counterpart boasts a fantastic rooftop patio, 2 bars and a very Traditional Italian menu that made this Chicago native check to see just what city he was in when I made a visit a couple weeks ago.

I led off the night with one of their signature drinks, "Stiletto di Sorrono" (Bourbon & Amaretto with in-house made Sour Mix) the beverage was well-crafted and garnished. The bar offers a lot of interesting choices for beer (selections from the local variety to imported Italian choices) It wasn't overwhelming but very balanced. Like any great Italian spot, they have a very extensive wine selection. I enjoyed a Franciscan Cabernet with my meal at the suggestion of our server and it paired very well with my meal.

Speaking of Grub, the bites were tastier than the beverages here. I ordered the Coste Di Manzo Brasate (Braised Short Ribs with balsamic carrots) and a simple side order of Pan-Fried baby potatoes in Olive Oil and Parsley. A perfectly divine combo of Well cooked meat and seasoned veggies made for a true hearty Italian meal. My friend had the Pasta E Fagoli Soup, which had a solid blend of Pasta, Ham, & Fresh Tomatoes. For dessert, we split an amazingly displayed dish of Chocolate & Vanilla Gelato, and decently garnished at the divide with a piece of sweet Cannoli wrapper. Definitely worth making some extra room for, even if you aren't always an after-dinner dessert person like myself.

The ambiance at Louis is top notch. Probably one of the better date places in all of the Twin Cities, definitely within the Downtown St. Paul area. The service was on-point and very nice and helpful. There's really nothing more you can ask for from this place.

Louis Ristorante gets the First Ever 5 of 5 Flames in CSTH History. Congrats and keep up the great work!

Louis Ristorante & Bar (inside Cossetta's on the 3rd Level; Parking available in Back Lot)

211 7th St W #3  St Paul, MN 55102


(651) 222-7378

http://www.cossettas.com/louis/

Grab Bag #20: Catching Up on TV, March Madness, St. Pat's Day

Been awhile since I've posted. Missed the One-Year Anniversary of CSTH. Thanks to the Thousands of you who have shared in my posts over the last dozen months. I will do my best to check in more and write stuff.

* TV Recap: The 2 shows I'm currently watching now are just getting really fucking crazy. The Carrie Diaries and Girls. BIG FUCKING SPOILER ALERT - DON'T READ IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THEM YET... I Warned You:

On TCD, Everything just hit the fucking fan, Carrie breaks up with George, Sebastian breaks up with Donna because he likes Carrie and has Mouse help him try to find her (which only leads to failure and a towed car) then Donna goes after Walt because she knows Maggie's secret fling with the cop, which Walt finds out about and then leads to him and Donna dating. But the biggest part of the recent episode is Carrie finally gets busted by her dad about her Manhattan life and now has lost both of her internships. It's just still weird to see Carrie being this controlled person because she's just 16. It fills in gaps of how she became the later version we all know and love (we even see her first Cosmo order) but there are still some holes in the story. It was nice to Not See her bitch-brat sister Dorrit in this episode, hopefully they keep that trend going.

As for Girls, we finally learn that Hannah is legitimately crazy, not just crazy. Her OCD has "Come Back" apparently, but really it's more of a nervous breakdown considering all of the shit that she has going on. Meanwhile, Charlie pulls the badass move that myself and anyone who's ever been shot down or dumped would love to pull, He sold an app to a company and now has a business that has turned him into a rich big shot, making Marnie feel like the stupid bitch she is for playing him on the fence. We later find out that she has a hidden talent, she has a really good voice, which we wouldn't have known if it wasn't for Ray getting fed up of listening to her shit and asking her what her dream in life was. He was at home waiting for Shosh to get back from her party at Rodica's (some chick who rollerblades) but their argument and Rodica's lack of interest led to Shosh (who was looking pretty hot, except for her permanent bad hair day deal) making out with a doorman.

* One of my favorite events is on the way. March Madness in College Basketball is starting up this week. From the small conference tournaments to the larger programs, to the Big Dance and even the NIT, this is a fun time to watch sports and bet on them as well. Even the person who can't tell you where Idaho State is located (Pocatello, Idaho) or the nickname of Coastal Carolina (Chanticleers) has a chance at winning the Office Pool at your job or school. So do some research or call a friend who knows this stuff *Cough, Cough* and toss 20 bucks in and indulge in the Madness.

* Another magical event, my favorite holiday, is also around the corner. Saint Patrick's Day is in 2 weeks. And this year will be better than last year for a couple of reasons. For starters, I am not on the verge of death like last year (I had an infected gallbladder around March 17th still) and the Parade here in St. Paul will be on a Saturday for a 2nd straight year (some stupid shit about parades can't be on Sundays. That's the best fucking day for a parade, Plus Grand Old Days is on a Sunday, but I digress) So there will be about 48 hours worth of drinking, so it should be a wonderful weekend.

Happy Fuckin' Valentine's Day

Hallmark and Hershey present to you a carnival of emotions. This day sounds ridiculous, but could be really awesome or really shitty depending on your status of a significant other. We all know where I stand there, but for those who do have someone special and magical in their lives (and there really are some people who have that... For the moment at least) then this day should be celebrated in a grand fashion, but everyday forward as well. If you really mean the shit you "said" in a $9 card (which you don't) then live that life and bring your guy/girl roses on August 5th, and June 26th, and October 2nd, because true love doesn't have one set day.

Now for the rest of us miserable ass singles, people who try to fake themselves into being happy by throwing the "this is a celebration of me today" card out (in my opinion, more pathetic than just cursing this day off outright)

A mini-background on my history on February 14th, I thought this was a cool holiday when I was a kid, because copious amounts of candy were involved (now I'd rather have a holiday with copious amounts of liquor) and because I have always been one of those faulty "Believe in Love" kind of guys. My first crush was when I was 6 years old, and I gave her a Ring Pop in proposal fashion. She accepted the ring and rejected me, starting the viciously depressing cycle timeclock that became my love life. Over 9 years of grammar school, I was shut down 5 times on V-Day. Then High School hit and this day became irrelevant, considering I went to a All-Boys school and worked 2 side jobs, I just kinda bypassed this day for 4 years.

Everything changed in 2009, when I moved up here to Minnesota, and found myself dating someone for the entire 2nd month of that year. Me being me, I decided to cook dinner at home for the night for 2 reasons: 1-Dinner at home can sound more romantic to some chicks than going out somewhere. 2-The Slam Dunk Contest was on that night. Now this sounds like a great idea but 19 year old me couldn't cook like current me, so I basically improvised and bought some Domino's buffalo chicken and cut it up and tossed it into a salad. It came out okay, dinner went well, and the night ended with a nice make-out session and a good slam dunk contest (literally, that was the year Dwight Howard did the crazy Superman dunk. Now he's got about as much game as the real Superman... Still too soon?). Point of note: Did not have sex on that date, despite it being our 5th date, that trend continued for a couple more dates and she was placed on Waivers that March 1st.

Cut to 4 years later, still single, not even a single prospect and while it's not the worst thing ever, it's just a testament to most of the things I've blogged about on here. The landscape of dating is about as fucked as the American Unemployment Rate and it's not getting any better. So Here I rant, Bottle of Grey Goose by my side. Here's to another Valentine's Day

an Apology...

I owe someone an apology. Someone fictional, but a real apology. While the real actress/creator of "Girls" Lena Dunham doesn't know (or care) I have yelled at her character, Hannah about a dozen times, more than I have at any recent hoops game in which I've had money on the line. I gave her So much shit, soooo much shit for taking the garbage abuse that she subjects herself to from her pseudo/fuckbuddy/love interest Adam. And then it hit me today, that I've been in the middle of the same shit, in her shoes, and not in a real distant past either.

It's hard to really love someone, even when they care and they realise it and are reciprocating that love back to you. But when you love someone, I mean really take your whole heart out of your chest and off your sleeve, and they don't feel the same way, or take advantage of your truth and vulnerability and just outright really don't give a flying SuperFuck about how you feel and care for them, well there's truly a different pain and a different healing for a situation like that.

And then you start to question yourself and ger really mad at the mirror because you realise Everything that is being done in front of you, but yet you can pull yourself away from it. But when it's a friend in the same spot, we "Minimize" it down and tell them they need to pull their heads from out of their asses or their girlfriend or boyfriend's asses and stop subjecting themselves to the misery, when probably at the same time, our heads are as far or even further up our own assholes.

So, I'm sorry, Hannah. I know your pain and really wish you would just pull your head out from the hole, but really, who am I to comment.

My First Real Rant of 2013.

OK, so It's the last day of the first month of 2013. I don't have any real serious issues about life at the moment like usual. I have had some pretty good days so far this year to lead off, but I do have some small complaints on general human life that I'd like to get off of my chest.

* Tonight, I just left Mickey's Diner. The World Famous "Mighty Ducks Restaurant where Charlie's Mom Worked" in Downtown Saint Paul. it's 1:45am. I walk in to see a fellow Chicagoan eating with his woman and child, while wearing a Blackhawks jersey (they played here, lost in a shootout) and he's blasted drunk, cursing about him also losing his job as well as us "Sucking" tonight (Hawks actually played well against a good Wild team. fucking moron.) He eventually accosts 4 tourists from Chicagoland who were at the game, and disrupts their late night meal and even threatened two of my good friends who walked in about a milkshake (an incident I learned about after he left because I would have decked him at that point myself)  I'm just sick and fucking tired of people who make my city look bad, be it here or back at home. It's so sad and embarassing to see the death and struggle and crime in my hometown, and for fucking morons from their to make themselves look bad while representing our proud city and our sports teams makes me fucking sick. (For the record, said asshole is also a Cubs fan. explains a bit more)


* I've been watching this show "Girls" that comes on HBO. I'm catching up online because I refuse to spend any more cash on cable in this year than I have to. I'm watching the First Season, really funny shit, very awkward sex scenes but just a generally funny show. And then I hit Episode 4 and 5, when one of the charactors (SORRY, SPOILER ALERT!)  who has had a long going issue with her boyfriend about how he was so into her and that she doesn't love him as much, eventually they breakup after the BF reads the diary of the main character (who is BFF's with the GF) and then the Girlfriend gets mad at her friend, get this. FOR WRITING THIS SHIT IN HER PERSONAL DIARY! Are You Fucking Bleeping Me right now! She got upset because her friend knew the truth about how she felt, and so what does the Girlfriend do, she chases the newly crowned ex-boyfriend, and they talk and she literally begs him to take her back, which leads to this awkward sex scene and she ends up bumping her head on this partition of the bed, as if she has a fucking epiphany, and BAM!, She wants to break up with him. I have never been so mad at a scene from a television show in my entire fucking life as I was when I saw this shit. And what made me sooooo upset about this, is because THIS SHIT REALLY HAPPENS IN REAL FUCKING LIFE!!!! Countless people (mostly women) I Know who have fucking dealt with some bullshit relationship or situation where they are unhappy and yet when they realise it, and do the right thing by ending the relationship, they get sad and fucking hormonal and then decide to change their minds as if AS IF the fucking situation has flipped over like a fucking piece of paper on a windy day and that everything is cute, cool and hunky-fucking-dorey now after that happened. THE. DUMBEST. SHIT. I'VE. EVER/ SEEN. OR. HEARD. EVER! Stop It! Stop subjecting yourself to situations to where you are being treated like dogshit, because eventually, if you keep doing it, you will become the dogshit you are being treated like. Start using that fucking grey matter up top and quit being a dumbass and treat yourself better in life.


* I'm going to end this rant on a note that I've also said before. Mean what you say, and say what you mean, because no one likes a hypocrite, nor does anyone like someone who blames their actions and thoughts on other outside shit. I can outdrink the fucking populous of the neighborhood I live in and I've heard 3 different people in 24 hours blame shit they've done on either drinking or being "out of it" Get your fucking shit together and stop using anything, be it person or substance, to blame for anything you've done. If it's a mistake, it's a mistake and own up to it, but be real with the shit. Hide behind something like a coward, fucking fade like a coward.


Thanks folks. Have fun this weekend! Super Bowl is this Sunday! Bet the Niners and the Over!

2012: Reviewed

Well, here we are. We didn't get wiped out by The Rapture that was supposed to go down on 12/21/12, and the Blog is almost a year old. For me, personally, I am sooooo glad 2012 is finishing up. I did not have a wonderful year. I left my old band, and subsequently took a break from music. In March, I had to have an emergency gallbladder removal surgery, and in the last several months, I've had to deal with a serious illness in my family. A few cool things did take place this year however. I made some new friends, started this little blog that you are reading, attended my 500th live sporting event, and re-modeled my apartment. A lot of wild and stupid shit happened too, Such as me recently cracking my front tooth outside of a bar and me almost sleeping with a chick with braces

As far as the world around us, well, there was plenty of bullshit to keep us busy. From Television and Media garbage like Honey Boo Boo, Gangnam Style and 50 Shades of Gray (Bored) to the Election (zzzzzz....) Even sports was crazy this year with the NHL Lockout, the Saints Bounty Scandal and the Replacement Refs in the NFL

Basically, 2012 was a reflective year. A year full of experiences to learn from and use to better ourselves in the future ahead.

Anyways, I want to thank every last single person who has viewed this Blog in 2012. What started as a drunken facebook rant and a nifty idea from a couple of my friends has turned into my soapbox which, based on your responses, have made you laugh, pissed you off, and most importantly, made you think for a little bit. I am happy that I can contribute to your day with the crazy thoughts in my head.

So, raise a glass of something strong and let's toast 2012 goodbye, and to an awesome 2013 ahead.

Have a Happy, Safe and Epic New Year. And like I always remind you, Keep your genitals out of harm's way.

Alex B. Smith
Courtside Seats to Hell

Grab Bag #17: Catfish, Pink Snapper, and Swordfish

It's only fitting that I fell asleep talking to a friend about Seafood, and then I wake up to this shit:


* So, MTV (The Channel Formerly Known as "Music Television") has a new reality show out called Catfish. As you know, I'm 23 going on 46 so I get lost in some of these terms. I didn't know that Catfish is a term for people who make fake profiles on Facebook or Twitter or whatever social media site you prefer, and then bait people into having online relationships with them,

In Episode 1 (according to Wikipedia, there will be 12 of these. holy fuck) we have a guy from Georgia who has been talking to a girl named Abigail (Abby) from Biloxi, Miss. They have chatted on Facebook for over a year and have talked on the phone, but haven't met each other. They have had some hardcore messages like (OMG I Luv U Foreverrrrrrr!!! <3 Marry Meeee" kinda shit) But when Georgia dude wanted to meet the love of his life, she had an "Unexpected Family Emergency" come up. (Women are real good for pulling that shit.. Just saying) and so he contacted this show to finally get to meet Abby, who according to her Facebook profile, is a dainty looking slim blonde gal. Fairly easy on the eyes. They chat, he drops the deal that there's this MTV show, I wanna meet ya, blah blah blah.

So she kinda tries to duck the meeting but agrees anyway. So now Georgia dude (Jarrod is his name, just remembered that) goes to Biloxi to meet Abby. They pull up to what looks like a fucking mini barn or an old slave quarters and knock on the stable Front Door and there's no answer. Walk around to the side and there is a brunette standing outside, Not Abby. It's Melissa. The Real Person Jarrod was talking to! It's like the 1-900 Phone Sex Bait and Switch for the 21st Century! Now don't get me wrong, the fact that Melissa isn't like Abby in the photo sense but the fact that she fucking lied to him about EVERYTHING!!! And then blamed it on her self-esteem issues. Um, Lady do you realise this is fucking fraud and could have gotten you into some serious trouble. If you can't face someone then work that issue out on your time, now you dragged this guy's heart through babyshit because you can't  deal with yourself? you selfish stupid bitch. And of course she keeps saying, "But I do care about him" The Fuck You Do! You were another person for a year plus and didn't once ever think this shit would hit the fan.

I have done online dating, and I am against it. I believe people should stop being such fucking introverts and go meet people when they go outside. But for Tebow's sake, You can possibly think this catfish shit will work if you try it. Just dumb. Get a life.

* In creepy Celebrity news, Anne Hathaway (drool) is in the film adaptation of Les Miserables, and at the Red Carpet Premier, not only was she wearing this hot bondage style leather wraparound kinda dress but she left the dessert tray off the pie if you know what I mean, Here's the Safe for Work version (E-mail courtsideseatstohell@gmail.com if you wanna see the other one)

To be honest, It wasn't as bad as other car shots we've seen. I could do a slideshow but most of us are reading this at work.

* I'm making Swordfish tonight, Here's the recipe I will be using for Ponzu Sauce:

1/2 cup low-sodium soy sauce

1/4 cup fresh orange juice

2 tablespoons fresh lemon juice

1 tablespoon water

1 tablespoon sweet rice wine

1/8 teaspoon crushed red pepper

Combine all ingredients in a bowl. Cover and chill.

That's all for now. Have a Swimmingly awesome Hump Day today!

Obvious Relationship Advice for the Oblivious

People have always come to me for different types of advice, but I was always stunned with people would ask me about advice with relationship and dating. People who know me well have heard of my string of luck in that department but yet people still ask me.

Well some shit that I've seen and have been involved with I can tell you about, but this shit is so damn obvious, that honestly, you should already see this if you are paying attention.

Situation #1 involves people I know from out of town. A guy I know (We'll call him Boyfriend for chart purposes) is dating a lady (Girlfriend) in which they work together (hardly ever a good thing to begin with). However, it's quite clear that the said lady really  likes another dude (Gentleman) who is also a co-worker at their office. It's now to the point of where when they all hang out after work, Girlfriend has a few too many and starts hitting on Gentleman, which rightfully pisses off Boyfriend, but Boyfriend gets mad at Gentleman instead of Girlfriend. 2 weeks ago, Gentleman and Girlfriend hang  out together at a bar. (Keep in mind, despite all of the flirting, Gentleman has Not slept with Girlfriend, which explains his chart name) Boyfriend gets furious and blows up Girlfriend's phone, which she isn't answering, eventually leaving Boyfriend to find Girlfriend at another mutual friend's house, where she was staying because she was too drunk to drive. Gentleman had left for the evening (avoiding the confrontation, he nearly fought Boyfriend at their job a month earlier) Boyfriend eventually picks up Girlfriend and they argue all the way home.

Advice For Boyfriend: It's pretty fucking clear that for your girlfriend to be hitting on another man that you work with and consider somewhat a friend, she obviously doesn't care about you as a boyfriend. And instead of getting pissed at Gentleman (Who could have become Asshole by fucking your GF) you should probably dump your Girlfriend.

Advice For Girlfriend: You need to get your shit together and fucking figure out who you really care about and want to be with. You are being rude to your boyfriend and dragging along Gentleman isn't cool, especially when he's being nice to you and as courteous as possible to Boyfriend.

Advice For Gentleman: You've done a nice job with the circumstance. Me, I'm an asshole and I would have banged Girlfriend's brains out, but you kept it classy. Personally, I would dodge this whole shitstorm and not bother with either one of them outside of work.


Situation #2 involves a Guy (Boyfriend) a Girl (Girlfriend) and an asshole (Asshole or Ass for short)
Boyfriend and Girlfriend have been dating for a little bit, and Girlfriend moves in recently. First weekend she's in town, she meets Asshole and they become friends. Asshole at first doesn't know that Girlfriend has said title. He however does find out upon meeting Boyfriend and now he becomes an Ass. Boyfriend has made it very clear that he is a jealous and passive person and now Asshole smells blood. He keeps texting Girlfriend, who is oblivious to the fact that Ass is hitting on her. Asshole goes out to the bars with both BF and GF and basically plays what I like to call Two-Way Flirting. He goes on the offensive by making contact with Girlfriend every chance he can and plays defense by keeping Boyfriend at bay (usually with friendly conversation and alcohol) In fact, Asshole had a perfect opportunity to be a real dick when he had Girlfriend at his spot drunk and Boyfriend was upset about it and nearly left her there in a fit of rage. However, Asshole isn't trying to be Creeper, he actually likes Girlfriend and so he pumped the brakes at that point. One night un-related, Boyfriend and Girlfriend have an argument which leads to a break-up (temporary one at that but still) Asshole hears this news and basically alters his style to a more classic approach. However, before Asshole has a chance to be more legit about the situation, they get back together. Eventually Asshole starts to feel bad and he talks to Girlfriend about what he's been doing, she's upset about it and tries to get past it and wants to just be friends with Asshole.

Advice For Boyfriend: You need to man the fuck up and realise when someone is macking on your girl. While Asshole didn't succeed, one day, another dude just might step up and say/do the right shit to steal her off your arm. You never even called out Asshole or try to fight Asshole or anything. It's not robbing the safe in the bank if you leave the keys on the table. Your girlfriend probably deserves better, like a dude who will pay attention to her and not just flip out like a 5 year old girl. Be lucky Girlfriend loves you and is still with you. Don't get mad. Do better.

Advice for Girlfriend: You kept everything honest with everyone, which is what you were supposed to do. I would say just be a little more attentive to guys who come around you in the future. And probably you should ask yourself, How attentive is my Boyfriend, and why didn't he do anything if he realised what Asshole was doing. Not to get all medieval or anything but shouldn't boyfriends try to protect their girlfriends?

Advice for Asshole: You walked into a trap of sorts at the beginning, the classic "You can't tell if they are really seriously dating or not" But once you found out what was up, something bad snapped in you. It happens. Like I said to Boyfriend, it's nor robbery if you leave the safe keys on the table, you took a  long shot bet on a woman you liked and it failed. Dust yourself off and try someone else and don't be an asshole like that. Go search for single women (MUCH Easier said than done, but you can't go buying cars out of people's garages)


So yeah, that's my Obvious advice for now. If anyone else has any situations or stories they want to e-mail to me and I can review them with my advice, send it to me at courtsideseatstohell@gmail.com

Asking the Fans to Critique my Dating Profile

I asked a friend to do this once before and they never got around to helping me with it, so I'm leaving it  to you faithful readers to send me messages on what I should change/keep/re-arrange about my dating profile on OKCupid

Here's the link:
http://www.okcupid.com/profile/axbass

Fire away, send suggestions to courtsideseatstohell@gmail.com or leave them on the facebook page

that's a Hang Wiff'em...

Hang wiff'em = A baseball term, famously coined by Sox broadcaster Hawk Harrelson; used to describe a hard hit ball that is heading right to a fielder's glove for an out. The fact that a batter hit the ball hard enough to get a base hit, but landed in the wrong spot means it will "hang with" the player, as he thinks about it.

So here's the scenario. It's midnight at a bar in Dinkytown (U of M Campus area, for you non-minnesotans) and I'm there with a friend-girl (described in a previous post) and she talks to some dude who mentioned South America (where she was traveling abroad this summer). Eventually, we get invited to his table, which consisted of (from left to right) a gay dude, a quiet dude, a cute girl, a really quiet dude with gauges, and travel guy. During name exchange introductions, they mention that they live in St. Paul, and the cute girl says she lives in a house over east and is looking for extra roommates next month.

Key Point: she looks at quiet guy and really quiet gauge guy and says those are her current roommates.

So, at this point I'm nodding along and listening. I see her grab both of them beers along with her drink, which seems to solidify the claim of them being just roommates. As time passes, and I know I'm going to leave I casually mention that "I actually have someone moving here soon. My brother is looking to stay around st.paul" The squeeze bunt play works to perfection as she goes, "Here, take down my number". At this point I type the number in my phone, smile, and wish the table a good night.

This seems to have all the makings of a perfect 9th inning rally, so I decide to play offense and go for the winning run. So when I got home, I sent this text:

Me:
"Hey I'm gonna keep it real with you, my buddy isn't moving up here. I said that to see if I could get your number. You're cute and you said your friends were just your roommates so I'm making the bold assumption you're single? If I'm wrong then forgive me and I'll pretend this didn't happen, but if I'm right, I'd like to take you to dinner somewhere at some point"

So, I'm thinking here's the runner advancing to 3rd on the way to home. She replies:

Her:
Goodness, well thank you. I'm actually not single :( the guy sitting next to me in the black shirt and stretched ears is my boyfriend... I'm sorry :(

Out at the plate, ballgame over, drive home safely.

But one giant plus out of this is that she said later:

Her:
You seem like a good guy, don't give up on the bold moves. If I was single, I'd be impressed by your creativity.

But what kills me is how this guy was so distant and didn't look like he was even her good friend, let alone her boyfriend. I understand not being "That" couple, but for the love of pizza, at least look like your dating the damn person next to ya. Because remember, what one dude doesn't appreciate, another dude certainly will.

Anyways, I thanked her and wished her a good night. Not bad for an on-the-fly play. But "That's a hang wiff'em right there."

Is Alex B. Smith gonna buy a dog?

So the other night, I walked out of my apartment to smoke a cigar and I saw 4 attractive women in the park, all walking dogs. Then I walk across the street, I see 2 other good looking chicks huddled by a patio chair, petting some furry poodle or maybe it was one of those shitzu deals, I dunno.

My point is, for some reason, it seems like nearly every woman loves dogs. Especially out here in Minnesota. They are solid conversation starters and girls like to think that a guy with a pet is more caring and kind than someone without.

Here's my problem: I genuinely do not like dogs. Not one bit.

This photo was taken last week at a friend's house.

I posed for my friend (who loves animals to the point where once she swerved out of the way for a duck on the street... But, I digress)

This little puppy thing jumped on me, and while I don't like pets, I'll never be mean to one. I would have loved to move the thing off of me but I wasn't going to go chuck the damn thing in another yard Brett Farve style. It's one thing to not want them shitting and running in your house, it's another to be mean to them.

But, it makes me think more and more that my distate for pets is being translated into a small sign of inablity to commit to something caring and loving (Like a relationship)

While this is Not the case, I am trying my best to be more accepting to pets. I don't mind cats at all. They keep to themselves, keep moderately clean, and they shit in a box, not in the middle of the floor or yard or wherever the hell they want. I used to have a fish tank when I was a kid, but those things die so fast and cleaning the tank can be a hassle every now and then.

In closing, I would just like to let everyone know that I care about people way more than animals. And I'd much rather buy a girl dinner and a fur coat then have to buy dinner for the fur coat messing  up my nice couch.

Cosmo: Funny read, but really?

So, I'm pretty old school in the sense that I like to still read and subscribe to magazines. I recently signed up to GQ and Esquire, and as a promo, I'm getting Redbook, Wired and Cosmo.


I always read Cosmo sporadically, back when I used to get my hair cut at the same salon my Mom went to, and then on the lobby tables outside my Dad's office. It seemed like a boring read when I was a child, but over time, I realised that a lot of women read this and look to this mag for a ton of advice. Eventually, I saw this more as a glance into the playbook of a woman, if you will.


But if you really read some of the shit that they write in here, it's not super bright advice or wisdom. (like Esquire , for example, is basically the Older Brother I never had) A lot of the things they claim men like or want from a woman is absolute bullshit. And I've had several female friends say that a lot of these tips are garbage as well.


Case in point, half of the relationship tips in here are common sense things that no one (magazine or person) should have to tell you, and the other half is stuff that is only true to such a small number of people that it's hardly worth mentioning. Don't waste your time and cash on this mag, just pay more attention to what's going on around you and you'll figure it out. Hopefully...

It's Complicated

We make things in our lives so complicated, especially when it comes to matters of the heart. We are taught how to think rationally and that can sometimes conflict with our emotional responses.

Sometimes relationships don't work out, not because 2 people didn't love each other, but because the times and situations didn't work for the couple. Sometimes people fall quicker for someone than the other person did, if they even did at all. And sometimes, you can see someone in a different light, and how you feel about them changes and grows into something unexplainable and random.

For any of us who go through this, we as a majority, struggle with these inner feelings because of the fear of getting hurt, hurting someone else, or trying to avoid an ackward situation. 

But the real question is: Which side do we listen to, and when is the right time to do so? The answer for that, well, It's Complicated.

Full of Shit: The Official Dating History (to date) of Alex B. Smith

There have been some outright pathetic stretches in history. The Reign of Hitler, The Cubs' World Series Drought (ok, that one is cool) and Communism in China. But one of the shittiest trends in recent years has to be my own personal dating life, or lack thereof.


*Note: Names have been omitted and/or changed to avoid any defamation lawsuits


It all started in 2009. That right there is fucked. I was 19 going on 20 before Date #1. That first one went well, actually led to me "seeing someone" for 4 weeks, only for it to end miserably and miss a chance at being with someone else that could have been a great relationship.


Now fast forward to spring 2010, one of my best friends and his girlfriend set me up on a blind double date with one of her good friends. Apparently both of us were to have a lot in common musically, and she liked the sound of that band I was in then. What was neglected to be mentioned after I told the couple, "Sounds great, I'll make reservations for this great steak place I know of downtown" that this girl was a fucking Vegetarian! Now here I am not knowing this until 3 days before, I look like a giant asshole. Thankfully she enjoyed her salad, no one liked the wine selection I made and that's a $300 dinner I'd like to have back, to be honest.


Next one was winter of 2011, same couple (still feeling bad about Steakgate) tell me a random friend from her school that I met for 5 minutes once would be interested in going on a date. So this time the failfull foursome head to a more Hip(ster) place in St. Paul and chill. This seemed awesome until 3 things happened:


1) she kept slamming shit we liked because she's from fucking Germany (and one of my best friends is from there and he does the same shit, so it wasn't too shocking, but still annoying.)


2) she never made any eye contact while talking to me. Big sign that you'd rather be doing something else.


3) she starts hitting on my best friend constantly, and only until me and him mention it to his girlfriend, this continued for about a good 2 hours when we went to a mutual friend's party nearby


So with that being said, chalk it up to another bad date.


The last date I've been on was in January of this year 2012. Now I should have known this was gonna be a trainwreck. I have meet this girl twice in 2 years prior. Both times meeting her, she was blasted hammered with co-workers at a famous western suburb bar and the first time I met and danced with her, she had on a giant engagement ring. Anyways, I invite her to a Gopher Hockey game. She said she loved hockey. That translates into, I thought we were going to see the Wild and I don't actually know about hockey but I like to see them fight and hit each other. Combine that with the fact there's no liquor at campus events (Get Your Shit Together Gophers!) And this becomes a 3 hour clinic of silence. Oh and the Gophers got blown out early in this game, only to make a decent comeback effort in the 3rd and still lose. Afterwards, we drink at a nearby bar and eventually we both did something together. Threw in the towel on this date.


I've had people tell me that my problems range from "Being too nice", "Being Too Interested (aka, actually being interested at all) and my favorite excuse of a phrase that translates into "I'm not sure why you suck" is:
"If you stop looking, it'll happen when you least expect it."


This logic is perfect for winning the lotto or pinch hitting in the 9th, but this is god-awful advice. I go by the motto "You get out of something what you put into it". And for me to do nothing, nothing comes back in return. Quite basic. It goes without saying too that everyone who tells me this is always in a relationship or is part of that elite group that can date on demand and have no troubles finding at least someone to enjoy a nice evening with. No one's talking about sex at the end of the night or relationship potential, but it would be nice to actually meet a girl who's into me as much as I am in her and we go on some dates.


If you or some lady you know fits this bill, E-Mail at courtsideseatstohell@gmail.com. And who knows, maybe we hit it off or maybe I end up writing about you on the blog (just kidding... kinda)

Sick of the "Scene": a Bar Rant

I really don't think I can do this anymore. I'm 2 weeks away from turning 23, and I have damn near had it with the bar scene. I went to a popular bar in St. Paul the other week, and I got to witness a clinic in what people are doing wrong in this "Scene"

Men and women of my generation need to get their shit together. These girls wonder why the fucking general history major at the local college with the flip-flops, backwards cap and hoody bought you a drink and then called you a bitch when you didn't kiss him after he grabbed your ass? Well here's how that might have been avoided:

1. Ladies, If a guy is buying you a drink, there is a 85-90% chance he has thought about wanting to sleep with you.

This isn't a secret, it's fucking fact. Has been and always will be forever. A guy buying a drink is the icebreaker. For a woman to think otherwise is pretty fuckin stupid. There are exceptions to every rule but you can figure those out just as easily. Just pay some goddamn attention.

2. Dude, Have some Fucking Class!

You look like a douchebag wearing a backwards ballcap with a polo and flip-flops should be left to girls at the beach. You shouldn't be taken seriously looking like you watched porn at home all day. And stop being so fucking pushy. After a while, a girl can figure out what it is you are looking for, and if she can't, then spell it out politely or go seek elsewhere.

3. Girls, don't pull this double switch shit.

You are an attractive looking woman wearing a super tight shirt or dress or jeans with sequins on the ass and high heels. You are going to get stared down all fucking night by men, young and old, taken or single. DO NOT get a fucking attitude when this happens because you know this will happen and that's why you bought the damn outfit in the first fuckin place.

4. Everyone Needs To Be Fucking Honest With Each Other.

The biggest rule everyone needs to follow. Guys, if you're at the bar looking to pull some ass for the night, don't hit on the girl with her arms folded in the corner. Ladies, don't be a bitch and take 4 shots with a guy and then walk away from him because "he's being creepy". Go to the bar and do whatever it is you set out to do, but keep in mind that everyone is there for different reasons. It doesn't make one side better than the other, people just need to communicate better.

Abstinence makes the brain grow smaller

3 things I try to avoid in conversations is Politics, Religion and Medicine. But I'm gonna have to jap down on 2 of these non-political topics today.

I had 2 conversations recently, one was about relationships and the other was facebook chatter about a purity ring (I thought "I Will Wait" was a reference to The Rapture. Who knew, eh?)

In convo 1, I made a comment about how Sex is made out to be this giant, magnificent, clusterfucked ball of unity between two souls at all times and really sometimes it's just a commercial unit available for trade in goods (which is why I support the stance of legalizing, regulating and taxing Prostitution, but that's for another post)

While I was called cynical for stating this (as we all know, cynicism is in the same aisle and on the same shelf as realism and pessimism)
What I'm saying is that as amazing of a feeling that you get from Sex, it's just like eating a delicious meal or watching a great game, It's not going to be that wonderful every single time. Nor is it going to be with the same amount of meaning every time.


We all need to keep our genitals out of harm's way and be safe, but just because you don't drive a car, doesn't mean you can't be in an accident. The extremity of no sex doesn't help promote the necessary lesson that is Safe Sex. The "all or none" mentality that has been taken by many upon many of today's youth has led to inept education and sheer ignorance of sexual health and consequences and has been shown in the spike of STI's and Children born within the last couple of decades.

I feel that if we stop putting sex on this mighty hill of measurement within a relationship, then not only will we be safer physically by taking a fresh view on it, but we will save ourselves emotionally for the things that really count in a relationship. Sexual compatibility is a key factor in dating, but it's not the main factor in a healthy, solid, loving relationship.

If you want to fuck away, have fun and feel free, just bag it up(men), wash the pill down (ladies) and keep your junk clean everyone.

caught in a slump...

So, as previously mentioned, I live in the worst dating city in america. Saint Paul, Minnesota.
In addition to being one terrible place to attempt to find a date, it's a really awful place to try and find a "hook up" as well.

I am currently on a near 11 month run of no sex. I feel like a priest, or a monk or any other person who goes through this type of purgatory on earth. I have lowered, raised and re-lowered my stances on who'd I sleep with. Basically now at the point where any girl between 18 and 42 without any sexual diseases who's "DTF (as the kids call it)" is open tryout.

Now, I would love to find the super awesome girl of my dreams to date forever, but that hasn't really materalised up here at all (all the cool attractive girls I've met are taken or un-interested) but I don't get why it's so hard to find clean, non-slutty women who want fun, unattached sex. (I'm beating a dead hoar, just read "Worst Dating City in America")

But one question I have is, what do women do to break sex slumps? Granted, it's pretty hard to be a girl and not find someone who wants to sleep with you (date article covers that too) but when it does happen, do chicks do like most guys do?

In the baseball (and other sports) communities, there's a time when a player falls into a slumping streak, and said player will go into a bar or club and find an very unattractive female and sleep with them in an effort to bust the slump.

While the nature of "Slumpbusting" seems very mean-spirited, it makes one wonder if this is a solid method of reversing a string of bad luck.

Sure, I would feel pretty bad about possibly crushing someone if they mistake my sexual advances for an emotional attachment (even though the odds of sudden emotional attachment are on the same par of the T'Wolves odds to win the NBA Title)

But at the same time, dealing with a sex slump is painful in its own right. I wouldn't wish this kind of bad luck on my 2nd worse enemy (my 1st worse, probably, but that guy's an asshole for sure). The mental aspect is what makes it difficult. Am I really that bad looking? Hell, I've had some drunk chicks shut me down during this slump. It makes your re-tool your approach and overthink things, when it all should be simple.

In closing, I realise, like everyone else that steps in the batter's box, I have to keep swinging and eventually one will connect.

Twin Cities: The Worst Dating Scene in America??

The other day, I read a facebook link to an article from Men's Health about the best places to meet single women. To my amazement, Saint Paul, Minnesota (my current residence) was not only on this list, but ranked 10th in their series of criteria.

Without leaving my bed, I fucking flipped shit upon reading this.

I'm a young black male, moderately educated (well read, as some like to say) with a well paying job (tech advisor) , a showcased talent (musician), and have been told that I have a decent taste for fashion. I have lived here for 4 years, and I have been on a combined total of 8 dates in that span. Keep in mind, numbers can be super deceiving (4 of those dates took place in 2010, the last 2 were between november '11 and early this January. Both horrible dates by the way)

In a "College Town" like the Twin Cities, one would expect a great blend of awesome nightlife fun, wild late night debauchery and a quite active dating scene. This couldn't be further from the truth of these 2 areas.

I feel that Minnesota is one of these states that have been socially crippled by the Internet Age. With the large amount of families raised in suburban/rural/country/hick/wooded/hill/whateverthefuckyoucallit areas, the constant stigma of "City Fear" is instilled in the youth of yesterday and today and is now translated into where everything has to be in a sheltered, bullet-proof, mother approved bubble.

Let's backtrack a bit. I grew up in Chicago, the infamous South Side, in a nice area surrounded by the hood. I was sheltered slightly in my younger years for safety sake, but was always taught how to deal with the situations of life that will come up down the road. Case in point, childhood wasn't riding horses in the country or playing in the park. It was helping mom get the groceries before nightfall and being reminded to always stay aware of your surroundings. Looking back, I loved that I was brought up that way and it has paid countless dividends in the past decade of my life.

So, the point is that certain lifestyles groom certain patterns. And one of those affected patterns is social interaction.

I frequent many bars and nightclubs within the metro area on a constant basis, and it's the same picture and 1,000 words every time. 50 girls and 100 guys, half the girls dancing with each other, half the guys standing by the bar, another quarter of guys looking to dance with the second half of girls, only to be shutout for the various reasons (not cute, I'm not here to dance, or my personal favorite "he's creepy")

I love the "creepy" line for several reasons. I don't think most women realize all men are "creepy" by their standards. I have many friend girls (my term for "I've got a lot of pretty, pretty girls, than I call friends")
Who have told me that they like hanging out with me because I'm not Creepy. I then ask them what is the criteria for being creepy and the general consensus is when a guy hits on them. I usually reply back with "what an assholes of him! To think that he found you attractive enough and got the courage to talk to you" (I minored in sarcasm)

It goes back to the shelter bubble. In the days of incurable sex diseases and rookies, women (and men, too) must use common sense and wit to keep safe, but it has now parlayed to a fear of nearly all personal contact outside of a platonic level.

So now you have to ask yourself 2 questions. 1: What do you want from the opposite sex?
2: How do you go about acquiring it?

It's well known that people never want to hear the truth (truth hurts, you can't handle the truth, act...,). People don't come forward and outright ask what they want when it comes to intimate social interaction. Men do it way less than in previous generations because it gives off this "creepy" factor, even though, as I said earlier, all men are creepy in this sense.

Side Note: for homework, I want every girl who reads this to write a list of your top 10 guy friends and mark off 2 boxes, one for if you think they would sleep with you and the other if they would date you.

If you have more than 2 boxes empty on the sleep side, you're probably wrong already. It's an unstated fact that every guy who meets a girl takes between 10 seconds and 10 minutes of that first interaction and assesses both questions to himself. Mostly all guys would sleep with a girl they talk to within 20 minutes of conversation during first meeting. Count that out next time you meet a guy in a group setting, if he keeps talking to you and 20 minutes adds up over time, there's a bet table chance that he would consider taking you home.

Now as far as meeting someone with the intention of dating, this is a lot more difficult because the conventional style of dating (aka how 99% of the world meet between 1900-1997) is about as dead as Whit... (Too soon, eh?) And who exactly killed the dating style? The group of girls who became greedy. The "Independent" women. And when I say that I don't mean women who go out, do well in school, get jobs and make their own money. That's what guys like, no one would complain about a successful woman. I'm talking about the (for lack of better term) fucking bitches who flaunt the fact that a man didn't help them get their success and in return, require an intensive list of attributes in order to talk to a guy. These bitches often end up alone, and rightfully so. But in their quest of inevitable solitude, they managed to infest their ideals to a younger group who blended these thoughts with the "City Fear/Suburban Bubble" culture and smashed the odds of "boy meets girl, girl likes boy, vice versa, boy + girl = couple"

Don't believe me about these independent bitches? The numbers for the Men's Health chart on St. Paul suggested that there are 108 single women to 100 single men in the area from ages 21-30, however the numbers increase and after age 55+ ,the ratio skyrockets from 276 single women to 100 single men in the area.

That tells me 3 things. 1: Marriage is still a fucking joke. 2: these smart, educated, career-oriented women are meeting guys and following down the family pattern and by the time of late life, when the kids have moved away, the relationships falter, ergo, these men are dying/leaving/running away from these women after a certain point for some unsolved reason. 3: the late inflation throws askew the entire chart and without the 55+ category St. Paul would fall way out of it's top 10 ranking.

Now, with all this said, the Twin Cities is a bad dating area. And if dug deep enough, these results could be discovered in other areas of the country. So what can we do to change it? It's a process, but I will leave you with a quote from a friend of mine: "Honesty isn't what we all want, but it's what we all NEED to avoid further issues down the road."