Full of Shit: The Official Dating History (to date) of Alex B. Smith

There have been some outright pathetic stretches in history. The Reign of Hitler, The Cubs' World Series Drought (ok, that one is cool) and Communism in China. But one of the shittiest trends in recent years has to be my own personal dating life, or lack thereof.


*Note: Names have been omitted and/or changed to avoid any defamation lawsuits


It all started in 2009. That right there is fucked. I was 19 going on 20 before Date #1. That first one went well, actually led to me "seeing someone" for 4 weeks, only for it to end miserably and miss a chance at being with someone else that could have been a great relationship.


Now fast forward to spring 2010, one of my best friends and his girlfriend set me up on a blind double date with one of her good friends. Apparently both of us were to have a lot in common musically, and she liked the sound of that band I was in then. What was neglected to be mentioned after I told the couple, "Sounds great, I'll make reservations for this great steak place I know of downtown" that this girl was a fucking Vegetarian! Now here I am not knowing this until 3 days before, I look like a giant asshole. Thankfully she enjoyed her salad, no one liked the wine selection I made and that's a $300 dinner I'd like to have back, to be honest.


Next one was winter of 2011, same couple (still feeling bad about Steakgate) tell me a random friend from her school that I met for 5 minutes once would be interested in going on a date. So this time the failfull foursome head to a more Hip(ster) place in St. Paul and chill. This seemed awesome until 3 things happened:


1) she kept slamming shit we liked because she's from fucking Germany (and one of my best friends is from there and he does the same shit, so it wasn't too shocking, but still annoying.)


2) she never made any eye contact while talking to me. Big sign that you'd rather be doing something else.


3) she starts hitting on my best friend constantly, and only until me and him mention it to his girlfriend, this continued for about a good 2 hours when we went to a mutual friend's party nearby


So with that being said, chalk it up to another bad date.


The last date I've been on was in January of this year 2012. Now I should have known this was gonna be a trainwreck. I have meet this girl twice in 2 years prior. Both times meeting her, she was blasted hammered with co-workers at a famous western suburb bar and the first time I met and danced with her, she had on a giant engagement ring. Anyways, I invite her to a Gopher Hockey game. She said she loved hockey. That translates into, I thought we were going to see the Wild and I don't actually know about hockey but I like to see them fight and hit each other. Combine that with the fact there's no liquor at campus events (Get Your Shit Together Gophers!) And this becomes a 3 hour clinic of silence. Oh and the Gophers got blown out early in this game, only to make a decent comeback effort in the 3rd and still lose. Afterwards, we drink at a nearby bar and eventually we both did something together. Threw in the towel on this date.


I've had people tell me that my problems range from "Being too nice", "Being Too Interested (aka, actually being interested at all) and my favorite excuse of a phrase that translates into "I'm not sure why you suck" is:
"If you stop looking, it'll happen when you least expect it."


This logic is perfect for winning the lotto or pinch hitting in the 9th, but this is god-awful advice. I go by the motto "You get out of something what you put into it". And for me to do nothing, nothing comes back in return. Quite basic. It goes without saying too that everyone who tells me this is always in a relationship or is part of that elite group that can date on demand and have no troubles finding at least someone to enjoy a nice evening with. No one's talking about sex at the end of the night or relationship potential, but it would be nice to actually meet a girl who's into me as much as I am in her and we go on some dates.


If you or some lady you know fits this bill, E-Mail at courtsideseatstohell@gmail.com. And who knows, maybe we hit it off or maybe I end up writing about you on the blog (just kidding... kinda)