September 27, 2013

A Bunch of Awesome Videos from This Week

There have been way too many good videos online this week to not share with everyone on the Blog, so here they are:

Here's a Pole Dancer practicing her craft to the awesome Lacuna Coil song "Angel's Punishment" and their Lead Vocalist Cristina Scabbia liked it enough to post it on her Facebook page. It's KSFW (Kinda Safe For Work) Spoiler Alert: She keeps her clothes on. 

A clip of a guy pranking his wife into answering the door when the Jehovah's Witness came knocking

This Video of Samuel L. Jackson catching shit on the street about his movie roles from lazy parents

or This Emotional Sports Moment of Yankees Legendary Closer Mariano Riviera's farewell from his last appearance at Yankee Stadium. 

Check out this old clip of UFC Fighter Diego Sanchez getting gashed open by a BJ Penn kick to the dome. Pretty sick.

and Last, but not least. This couple driving down the expressway in Chicago while fucking. Yes, you read that correctly.

August 26, 2013

Well Now You Know, Miley's A Hoe: My Brief Ranting Recap of Twerkgate

So Sunday Night, on The Channel Formerly Known as Music Television held it's annual Music Video Awards. And talentless Pop artist Miley Cyrus went and did this:


You probably have the same reaction I did after this shitfuckmess was over. What just fucking happened? Who let this high school girl snort painkiller and drink tequila? where is her ass? Why does Robin Thicke look like Beetlejuice? So many questions. I'll answer a couple for you.

1. Society pisses me off. One of the main reasons why we are so sickened/confused/whatever about Miley Cyrus is because she looked horrible in her "twerking" efforts. If she had been 20-25 pounds heavier, we'd be talking about this the same way we were amazed back when J. Lo had on that hot ass dress. But no one is going to say that because the media wants women to look like cocaine is back on the rise. Fucking bullshit.

2. There's a large mass of people who find this shit actually entertaining. Lots of people have problems, I understand that. But this was supposed to be a musical performance, this basically is a shit-show cast off sketch from a small-town Circus.

3. I'm not shocked that the Former "Hannah Montana" has turned into this slut. We all should have seen this coming when she was actually decent looking in a denim miniskirt and cowboy boots. Now she's basically at the point where we'll see a tape of her in a interracial gangbang surface on PornHub within the next 6 months. People take that Disney shit all seriously like that's their real life, You shoulda learned yesterday with Britney Spears' crazy ass. But y'all learned today with this one.

I would like to make one note of light: This whole travashamockery was save by the brief performance from Kendrick Lamar. One of the gems of not only Hip-Hop, but of all Music out right now. Big ups to Kendrick on that. He got robbed for Best Hip-Hop Video. Macklebore and his pissy 99 cent grandpa jacket couldn't hold a candle to anything Mr. Lamar has done.

July 13, 2013

The Reason Why I Retired From Music.

This Morning, I read a transcript and subsequently watched a YouTube video of Kanye West's Freestyle in London http://news.rapgenius.com/Kanye-west-london-speech-lyrics (YouTube video is on the top right hand corner of the page) and it just solidified, not only the state of the music world, but the reason I had to leave it.

I'm not necessarily on his side about the feelings he has for the topics he mentions. He's upset about how the art form of music has been overran by the mass corporate world. I realised that I am part of the problem when it comes to the change of music. I went to McNally Smith College of Music, a place where about 98% of the students and 110% of the faculty are completely dedicated to not just the sound, but the sanctity of Music. They have a inner devotion to their craft but also the way the craft is formed. And personally, I couldn't be any further away than that.

Don't get me wrong. I want to do the best work I possibly can as a performer (Which is what I always call myself, Rarely did I say that I'm a musician, because I truly never and still don't feel that way)
I picked up a bass as a child to impress a girl. In failing miserably, I decided to get better and better because I felt this was an easy way to have people take notice of you. Over time, playing music was a release from all of the anger and depression I faced growing up and I felt that, after practicing and becoming a really good bass player, I could make a (fairly easy) living at this.

Once I got to Minnesota, I met a bunch of musicians who I thought I shared the same dream with:

My Dreams
1: Get Rich
2: Get Laid
3: Basically Do Whatever I Feel Like Because I'm Famous

I was wrong.

Their Dreams (actual quotes I overheard at school)
1: Get to play music for the rest of their lives and not go broke
2: Get a degree, solidifying to people how much they know about Music
3. Earning the respect of their peers within the industry


After 3 months of being yelled at and ridiculed for not following the mold of every sucker who will be in massive debt when they finish running the maze, I left. And that day my Music career started. I joined a couple of projects, played some shows. and then 3 years later, it's the beginning of 2013. I just left the most successful thing I had ever been a part of in my life at that point and It hit me that I didn't want to find my dream in music anymore.

I didn't mind the business part of music, In fact I loved it. I knew that was the way to strike it rich and I was full on into "Selling Out" myself. My old band was not about that. They wanted to make it big and get paid as well, but they cared about the music first and foremost. And on top of it all is that I was finally happy in life and so I didn't need the escape of music like I did a decade ago. I could manage my ups and downs without playing my bass for 8 straight hours.

So when I listened to Kanye's Speech/Freestyle, It just reminded me of why I needed to leave Music and why I don't regret making this move for a second. I am so happy now working with my first and true loves, Sports and Gambling, so I am not complaining. But I am writing this because I know a lot of people ask me, "Are you still playing?" "Why did you leave and give it up?" So I wanted to put some closure to that.

July 12, 2013

Food Review: Louis Ristorante

On the top floor of the 102 Year old Saint Paul institution, Cossetta's, the crown jewel of the recent renovations is the creation of Louis Ristorante & Bar. This classy counterpart boasts a fantastic rooftop patio, 2 bars and a very Traditional Italian menu that made this Chicago native check to see just what city he was in when I made a visit a couple weeks ago.

I led off the night with one of their signature drinks, "Stiletto di Sorrono" (Bourbon & Amaretto with in-house made Sour Mix) the beverage was well-crafted and garnished. The bar offers a lot of interesting choices for beer (selections from the local variety to imported Italian choices) It wasn't overwhelming but very balanced. Like any great Italian spot, they have a very extensive wine selection. I enjoyed a Franciscan Cabernet with my meal at the suggestion of our server and it paired very well with my meal.

Speaking of Grub, the bites were tastier than the beverages here. I ordered the Coste Di Manzo Brasate (Braised Short Ribs with balsamic carrots) and a simple side order of Pan-Fried baby potatoes in Olive Oil and Parsley. A perfectly divine combo of Well cooked meat and seasoned veggies made for a true hearty Italian meal. My friend had the Pasta E Fagoli Soup, which had a solid blend of Pasta, Ham, & Fresh Tomatoes. For dessert, we split an amazingly displayed dish of Chocolate & Vanilla Gelato, and decently garnished at the divide with a piece of sweet Cannoli wrapper. Definitely worth making some extra room for, even if you aren't always an after-dinner dessert person like myself.

The ambiance at Louis is top notch. Probably one of the better date places in all of the Twin Cities, definitely within the Downtown St. Paul area. The service was on-point and very nice and helpful. There's really nothing more you can ask for from this place.

Louis Ristorante gets the First Ever 5 of 5 Flames in CSTH History. Congrats and keep up the great work!

Louis Ristorante & Bar (inside Cossetta's on the 3rd Level; Parking available in Back Lot)

211 7th St W #3  St Paul, MN 55102


(651) 222-7378

http://www.cossettas.com/louis/

April 7, 2013

Pushed it too far: A Tale of an Attempted "Cockblock"

So Friday was quite the awesome day. Had sushi for lunch, Performed in a recital where everyone sounded awesome, Had a ton of fun at the mall and had a great barbeque dinner. And then I did something that I said on here just last year I was gonna stop doing. Go to a house party.

Now this party was fine for the first hour, Great music, tons of booze, solid conversation. I was really enjoying myself. Then this random chick (I've met her before a while back but even I couldn't remember her name) approached me about a Yoga trick to crack your back. Normally, I would walk away and pour another drink, But since I had aggrevated my back about an hour before the party, I accepted the challenge. So Here I am, laying on this floor while this girl is popping my back. A few of my friends want to leave out and so one of them taps me and says that we are leaving, asking if I want to come along. My friend who is a girl, who is there with her boyfriend says quite loudly, "Why is she touching you? we should go now!" At this point, the rage hit me full steam ahead, but with the circumstances and the fact that I was raised well, I told her I'll meet them over there later. Yoga girl overhears this and says "I think your girl is mad at me." I swiftly reply that she is Not my girl and I thanked her for the adjustment.

Now, 20 minutes later, I meet my friend at her place, where most of the party moved and I was welcomed to some cat-call responses of "oooh, did you bang her?" kinda shit. Funny in a slight way, but 1: It was dumb because Yoga girl had a boyfriend, who was there and I was chatting with minutes before this happened. and 2: Now I am completely furious because if she had assumed that this chick was trying to sleep with me then why in the holy fuck would you try to cockblock me by saying some bitch shit like You shouldn't have her touch you. That was not her place and I let her know that (In still a pretty tactful way, I didn't cuss her out like I wanted to)

I have seen my lady friends flirt and hit on some guys I felt weren't right for them or just even slightly sketchy, and unless I felt they were in extreme immediate danger, I would Never go in and cockblock someone for my own selfish thoughts. So for anyone to ever reach in and stop something that I as a grown ass man can make a decision on, angers me to no end. This might seem blown out in proportion, but with the knowledge I have about the said party who felt the need to interfere, it was not only embarassing but utterly uncalled for.

March 29, 2013

Boycotting Wild Tymes

I can't even wait until morning to write this up right now. I just got home from seeing some of my best friends in tears of anger and disgust over today's news. 2 friends were Wrongfully Fired from Wild Tymes Bar in Saint Paul, Minnesota over an accusation of stolen money from a couple of weeks ago. What makes this a ridiculous termination is the fact that the two accused Made a ton of money that night, and because their head manager decide to mix up money from an outdoor sales point with the bucket that was tip money from that busy night because she wanted to drink and socialise like the rest of us on St. Pat's Day. And for the record, I can personally vouch for both of them as people of great character and integrity to the point where I would trust them with my bank and betting accounts, and I mean that with all the breath in my body. Another factor as to why this firing is both unjust and asinine is because they have been led by a faulty and incompetent Head Manager who can't even figure out how the bottles behind her bar are layed out. As one of their top patrons within the last several years (And I have the fucking credit card and bank statements to back that up) One should never hear dozens and dozens of complaints from staff about how things aren't being taken care of or how you aren't able to do simple tasks around your place of work, let alone lead a hard working staff of dedicated people to make money. I have brought in countless patrons and spread the word about this bar for the 5 years I have lived in St. Paul, and mark my words to death, on the grave of my resting and living family,I Will Never Appear At Wild Tymes Bar & Grill, I Will Never Promote Wild Tymes Bar & Grill
I ADVISE EVERY SINGLE PERSON, EITHER LIVING IN MINNESOTA OR TRAVELING INTO MINNESOTA TO NEVER, EVER, EVER DRINK OR EAT AT WILD TYMES BAR & GRILL!!!

 and as far as Musicians on your poorly run shit fucking stage and never paying artists
 I ADVISE EVERY SINGLE MUSICIAN IN THE COUNTRY TO NEVER, EVER, EVER PERFORM AT WILD TYMES UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES!!!
My Former Band brought 300 people into the patio and booths of that establishment, and all that "I, Corvinus" ever got for that show was under 50 bucks and an overcooked pizza. The last project I performed with was "Banned" from playing there because Sandy felt "Threatened" by local street artist Tony Criss. The reason for this sentiment was because she was upset that he was cleared by neighboring bar Great Waters (A fine establishment located at 426 Saint Peter St, Fine craft beers if you like that sort of thing, I suggest you check them out next time you're Downtown or going to a Minnesota Wild game) had given him the OK to play at their patio. She responded by calling in a complaint to the police.

I would like to say in conclusion, that I am grateful for the amazing bartenders and servers I have met while drinking there and that I hope to see all of you guys and gals on a regular basis at different places of work and bars to socialize. And to you, Miss Manager (You know who the Fuck you are) and the ownership/management responsible for this unjust termination of the two best workers you had on staff, I hope that the future vacancies tagged along will run you right into the fucking toilet. And have fun training new staff in the middle of a  potential Minnesota Wild playoff run. Your incompetence will rub off and your establishment will crumble faster than the snowpile outside of 7th Place in the Spring.

HERE IS A LIST OF ACCEPTABLE BARS THAT PEOPLE SHOULD PATRONIZE IN DOWNTOWN SAINT PAUL, MINNESOTA:


Amsterdam Bar & Hall (WONDERFUL PLACE TO HEAR & PERFORM MUSIC)
6 West 6th Street
612-285-3112
www.amsterdambarandhall.com

Alary's Bar (GREAT DRINK SPECIALS & SHUTTLE FOR WILD GAMES)
139 7th Street East
651-224-7717
www.alarys.com

Bullpen Sports Saloon (AWESOME DRINK SPECIALS & VERY NICE STAGE)
395 North Robert St
651-340-0583
www.bullpensportssaloon.com

Bulldog Lowertown (EXCELLENT TAP SELECTION AND GREAT FOOD)
237 East 6th Street
651-221-0750
www.thebulldoglowertown.com

Great Waters Brewery (FINE CRAFT BREWERY AND SOLID FOOD)
426 Saint Peter Street
651-224-2739
www.greatwatersbc.com

March 19, 2013

Accountablity

“If you hang out with chickens, you're going to cluck 
and if you hang out with eagles, you're going to fly.”
― Steve Maraboli

This previous weekend was St. Patrick's Day. My favorite holiday of the year, a time to celebrate intense hours of drinking, partying and camaraderie. This year's celebration meant a lot to me considering how I was in poor health and unknowingly near death around this point last year. The fact that I was able to drink for about 32 of the 48 hours between Saturday and Sunday is both miraculous and a testament to what one's body can do and how your mind can will it to happen.

But upon recapping and patching the weekend's events, it trickled down into what I have previously stated on here and as well as how I have changed socially in the last several months. There are a lot of people, either directly connected or via friends of friends or acquaintances, that drink and cannot be held accountable for themselves when hitting a drunken level. Now I understand full well that drinking tolerance with in a person is like a snowflake, never two alike. But the disparity of events branches all genders, races, religions, shapes and sizes. People need to take time in their lives to figure out how they can handle things. If you like to drink, you should know your limits with alcohol before you go out and drink. Maybe it's making sure you eat beforehand. Maybe it's you can't drink Jagermeister like it's water after 5 hours. Whatever the circumstance, set the rules with your mind and body and follow accordingly, breaking them for nothing and nobody at any time.

Saturday night, I met a chick who had been drinking, but was clearly coherent, said she was alone and wanted to have fun. I danced with this lady and we had a shot before she started to harass a friend of mine and then proceeded to straddle some random guy a few minutes later. A combination of pissed, stunned and general disgust came about me and I was ready to leave. I find out later that this chick wasn't alone and was actually with her boyfriend who was working his ass off bartending for the night and was good friends with said harassed friend. Now this slut more than likely went home with her boyfriend and chalked all of what went down up to "Oh, I just had too many drinks." No Fucking Accountability for the fact that A: She apparently reached a point to where she could no longer hold her liquor intake, and B: Was clearly trying to have fun with someone other than her boyfriend While He's In the Goddamn Bar. When I danced with her, it turned from casual 2-step to her bent down in front of me pretty fast. But I'm sure that all is well in her head for now and that this same event will occur at another bar with another set of people.

I have never seen people eat so much food that they cannot digest anymore of it and then they projectile vomit and shit their pants around the entire room, but dozens upon dozens of times will people go and blame the dumb, mindless, reckless, stupid shit they say and fucking do over a bottle.

Grow. The. Fuck. Up.

I have reached a point of disgust to where there are some calls I won't answer when going out because I refuse, as a grown ass adult who got over drinking in excess because it "seemed cool", and can not handle my alcohol and realise my tolerance, I Refuse to drink with people who bring nothing but drama and bullshit and just lose there motherfucking minds when they drink. And I'm not talking about getting Drunk. That happens to us all and people can still be casual while drunk. I'm not talking about getting sick because that can happen as well and be from a number of reasons. But when you have a track record of fights, blackouts, broken shit, arguments, injuries, "I dunno what the fuck happened, Dude where's my car" kind of shit, it's time for a re-evaluation of life and asking the question of is alcohol right for you. And while you're off figuring that out, I'll be at the bar having a great, drama-free time drinking.

March 15, 2013

Recipes for St. Patrick's Weekend

Tomorrow and Sunday will be one of my favorite 48 Hour gaps of the Year, as we kick off Saint Patrick's Day Weekend. Here in Saint Paul, our parade is going down on Saturday, despite the Sunday date for the actual holiday. I am hosting an annual pre-parade party at my place and these are the items I am serving:

Cutter Burgers:

This is a recipe that came about from several different burger cooking methods. I love burger joints like  SmashBurger and Steak & Shake, and could never really figure out their "Smash" Techniques exactly. I also loved White Castle growing up and the concept of the "Slider" burgers. So combining the two ideas, I came up with the "Cutter" burgers (a double entendre/play on words, if you will, because in Baseball, the opposite pitch of a Slider is a Cutter, and because a cookie cutter is used as well.)

Utensils:
Large Cookie Sheet (13 x 18 is what I have)
Rolling Pin (Wooden is fine, Granite if you're a bad-ass)
Skillet Pan (Griddle is okay, Grill pan not so much for this one)
Wax Paper
Spatula WITHOUT SLOTS! (Metal is best, but Vinyl will do)

Cookie Cutter (OR A Double Shot Glass)
(Side Story: Baking isn't my deal. So when I read about using a cookie cutter, I thought "Oh, I can go to a store and buy one of those." I went to several stores (Wal-Mart, Target, Rainbow Grocery, Walgreens) and NONE of them had a fuckin cookie cutter. Wal-Mart had a box of 101 Cookie Cutters, with "Fun Shapes". Needless to say I didn't buy 101 cookie cutters. So if you aren't fortunate enough to make real cookies in kid-friendly shapes, use a double shot glass. I assume that you own a set since you read this blog.)

Ingredients
1 Large Package Ground Beef (80/20 works fine)
1/2 Stick of Unsalted Butter
1/2 Cup Burger Seasoning (I use Black Pepper, Cayenne Pepper, Onion Powder, Garlic Powder, Cumin, Oregano, and a dash of Sea Salt. Mixed into a shaker. You can buy Weber Grill seasoning too and it will be equally bad-ass)

1: Place a piece of Wax Paper onto Cookie Sheet and season all over with Burger seasoning.

2. Place 1/2 package of Ground Beef onto sheet, Top with another piece of wax paper.

3. Take rolling pin and flatten Beef out until streched and covering majority of the sheet

4. Remove top piece of paper and season top side of Beef with burger seasoning.

5. Re-Cover beef and Place in refrigerator for 10 minutes

6. Heat Skillet pan over medium-high heat for 3-4 minutes and melt 1/4 piece of butter (the pan needs to be really fucking hot)

7. Once skillet is hot, remove Beef from fridge, Discard top layer of wax paper.

8. Take Cookie Cutter/Double Shot glass and press out circles. Lift with spatula and place in skillet

9. After 90 Seconds, Flip Burger and PRESS HARD down into the skillet. Be careful of splashback from the butter and meat juices. Press for about 20-30 Seconds then leave on for another 90 Seconds, before Flipping and Pressing again. It should take between 2 to 3 minutes to cook well done

10. After batch is done, Repeat steps 1-5 with Second 1/2 of Beef.

11. Serve with toppings and Enjoy. 



St. Patrick's Punch

I just tried this out today, People love when I make my Super Punch for Super Bowl, so I decided to come up with a Punch for St. Pat's:

3 Bottles of 100-Proof Vodka (1 Liter)
2 Bottles of UV Blue Vodka (1 Liter)
2 Bottles of Minute Maid Lemonade (2 Liters)
2 Bottles of Sprite (2-Liters)
1 Bottle of Malibu Melon Liquor (750 ML)
1 Large Can/6 Small Cans of Pineapple Juice
Green Food Coloring

Combine in a Cooler IN THIS EXACT ORDER!!!

  1. 100 Proof Vodka
  2. Malibu Melon
  3. Sprite 
  4. Lemonade & UV Blue AT THE SAME TIME
  5. Dash of Food Coloring
  6. 100 Proof Vodka #2
  7. Pineapple Juice
  8. Sprire #2 (Half-Bottle)
  9. UV Blue #2
  10. Lemonade #2
  11. 100 Proof Vodka #3
  12. Rest of Sprite #2
  13. Another Dash of Food Coloring (if desired)





When Finished, It should be as Green as the Chicago River!

March 12, 2013

Top 10 Best MMA Knockouts of All-Time

So, one of my favorite things to watch every now and then on YouTube is Knockout Clips. Be it Boxing, MMA or even Street Fights, there is nothing cooler than seeing the transfer of violent energy between two human beings. Here's my shortlist of Top 10 KO's in Mixed Martial Arts:

Awesome Standup Knockout that would rival some great Boxing KO's from the last decade.

Betcha didn't think a fake Wrestling move would lead to a real-ass Knockout, eh?

This is one tasty Muay Thai jawbreaker of a knockout

Life Lesson: You can't run away from your battles. They will find you.

I just told you what happens when you run. You get stomped the fuck out. 

If you study enough in martial arts, you can do some ninja shit like this.

Back when the UFC was the Super Bowl of Bar fights, we had epic gems like this "Fold-up" at :54

This is the Real clip that actually became a movie scene years later. Flash means nothing.

Like a late electric bill, dude gets his lights cut off.

Don't blink for this one. it goes quick, fast and in a hurry.

Which Do You Think Should Be #1? E-mail me at courtsideseatstohell@gmail.com or comment below!

March 4, 2013

Grab Bag #20: Catching Up on TV, March Madness, St. Pat's Day

Been awhile since I've posted. Missed the One-Year Anniversary of CSTH. Thanks to the Thousands of you who have shared in my posts over the last dozen months. I will do my best to check in more and write stuff.

* TV Recap: The 2 shows I'm currently watching now are just getting really fucking crazy. The Carrie Diaries and Girls. BIG FUCKING SPOILER ALERT - DON'T READ IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THEM YET... I Warned You:

On TCD, Everything just hit the fucking fan, Carrie breaks up with George, Sebastian breaks up with Donna because he likes Carrie and has Mouse help him try to find her (which only leads to failure and a towed car) then Donna goes after Walt because she knows Maggie's secret fling with the cop, which Walt finds out about and then leads to him and Donna dating. But the biggest part of the recent episode is Carrie finally gets busted by her dad about her Manhattan life and now has lost both of her internships. It's just still weird to see Carrie being this controlled person because she's just 16. It fills in gaps of how she became the later version we all know and love (we even see her first Cosmo order) but there are still some holes in the story. It was nice to Not See her bitch-brat sister Dorrit in this episode, hopefully they keep that trend going.

As for Girls, we finally learn that Hannah is legitimately crazy, not just crazy. Her OCD has "Come Back" apparently, but really it's more of a nervous breakdown considering all of the shit that she has going on. Meanwhile, Charlie pulls the badass move that myself and anyone who's ever been shot down or dumped would love to pull, He sold an app to a company and now has a business that has turned him into a rich big shot, making Marnie feel like the stupid bitch she is for playing him on the fence. We later find out that she has a hidden talent, she has a really good voice, which we wouldn't have known if it wasn't for Ray getting fed up of listening to her shit and asking her what her dream in life was. He was at home waiting for Shosh to get back from her party at Rodica's (some chick who rollerblades) but their argument and Rodica's lack of interest led to Shosh (who was looking pretty hot, except for her permanent bad hair day deal) making out with a doorman.

* One of my favorite events is on the way. March Madness in College Basketball is starting up this week. From the small conference tournaments to the larger programs, to the Big Dance and even the NIT, this is a fun time to watch sports and bet on them as well. Even the person who can't tell you where Idaho State is located (Pocatello, Idaho) or the nickname of Coastal Carolina (Chanticleers) has a chance at winning the Office Pool at your job or school. So do some research or call a friend who knows this stuff *Cough, Cough* and toss 20 bucks in and indulge in the Madness.

* Another magical event, my favorite holiday, is also around the corner. Saint Patrick's Day is in 2 weeks. And this year will be better than last year for a couple of reasons. For starters, I am not on the verge of death like last year (I had an infected gallbladder around March 17th still) and the Parade here in St. Paul will be on a Saturday for a 2nd straight year (some stupid shit about parades can't be on Sundays. That's the best fucking day for a parade, Plus Grand Old Days is on a Sunday, but I digress) So there will be about 48 hours worth of drinking, so it should be a wonderful weekend.

February 14, 2013

Happy Fuckin' Valentine's Day


Hallmark and Hershey present to you a carnival of emotions. This day sounds ridiculous, but could be really awesome or really shitty depending on your status of a significant other. We all know where I stand there, but for those who do have someone special and magical in their lives (and there really are some people who have that... For the moment at least) then this day should be celebrated in a grand fashion, but everyday forward as well. If you really mean the shit you "said" in a $9 card (which you don't) then live that life and bring your guy/girl roses on August 5th, and June 26th, and October 2nd, because true love doesn't have one set day.

Now for the rest of us miserable ass singles, people who try to fake themselves into being happy by throwing the "this is a celebration of me today" card out (in my opinion, more pathetic than just cursing this day off outright)

A mini-background on my history on February 14th, I thought this was a cool holiday when I was a kid, because copious amounts of candy were involved (now I'd rather have a holiday with copious amounts of liquor) and because I have always been one of those faulty "Believe in Love" kind of guys. My first crush was when I was 6 years old, and I gave her a Ring Pop in proposal fashion. She accepted the ring and rejected me, starting the viciously depressing cycle timeclock that became my love life. Over 9 years of grammar school, I was shut down 5 times on V-Day. Then High School hit and this day became irrelevant, considering I went to a All-Boys school and worked 2 side jobs, I just kinda bypassed this day for 4 years.

Everything changed in 2009, when I moved up here to Minnesota, and found myself dating someone for the entire 2nd month of that year. Me being me, I decided to cook dinner at home for the night for 2 reasons: 1-Dinner at home can sound more romantic to some chicks than going out somewhere. 2-The Slam Dunk Contest was on that night. Now this sounds like a great idea but 19 year old me couldn't cook like current me, so I basically improvised and bought some Domino's buffalo chicken and cut it up and tossed it into a salad. It came out okay, dinner went well, and the night ended with a nice make-out session and a good slam dunk contest (literally, that was the year Dwight Howard did the crazy Superman dunk. Now he's got about as much game as the real Superman... Still too soon?). Point of note: Did not have sex on that date, despite it being our 5th date, that trend continued for a couple more dates and she was placed on Waivers that March 1st.

Cut to 4 years later, still single, not even a single prospect and while it's not the worst thing ever, it's just a testament to most of the things I've blogged about on here. The landscape of dating is about as fucked as the American Unemployment Rate and it's not getting any better. So Here I rant, Bottle of Grey Goose by my side. Here's to another Valentine's Day

February 11, 2013

Grab Bag 19: A Redemption Story and Betting on the Next Pope

* Usually ESPN will throw out a story on SportsCenter or College Gameday and it will be some sob tearjerker about a Coaches' sick kid or a special needs kid in H.S. making a trick shot, and it's really just shown for rating's sake, But one story that the Worldwide Sports Leader should tell is one of their own current workers, Analyst Jay Williams. Bulls fans like me remember Jay for being the dumbass who crashed his bike on the North Side and ruined his career, as well as wasting our #2 draft pick in 2002 (Yao Ming went 1st... so Jay wasn't the biggest bust ever) But this New York Times article tells the true story of the struggles and obstacles he overcame to get where he is now. This is a must-read, feel-good story. After reading this, I have a new respect for Jay and I have personally forgiven him for his mistake a decade ago. Plus the lucky S.O.B is dating Charissa Thompson.

* So, for those who follow this kind of stuff, Pope Benedict XVI is stepping down from his Grand Wizard  World Heavyweight Title  Holy Seat at the end of the month. I was trapped in Catholic High School when he was named Pope, and as the house bookie, I drew up real odds on who would be the next in line. Benedict (Real Name: Joe Ratzinger) cashed in at 5/2 odds (only 2 kids won if I can recall)

Without further ado, here are my quoted odds for the next Pope:

Cardinal Angelo Bagansco (Real Cardinal in Italy) 8/5

Father Guido Sarducci (Chain-smoking priest) 75 - 1

Benny Hinn (Scammy Arab Pastor) 100 - 1

Creflo Dollar (Scammy Black Preacher) 125 - 1

Father Michael Pfleger (Chicago Pastor/Activist) 300 - 1

Spirit of Truth Minster (Flowin' from the Survival Scrolls, Biatch!) 475 - 1

Chris Berman (ESPN Patriarch) 500 - 1

Ozzy Osbourne (Prince of Darkness) 666 - 1

Sally Field (former Flying Nun) 1250 - 1

Horse Head Guy during Hurricane Sandy (Badass) 1500 - 1

Jesus (Might be a good time for a comeback, right?) 3500 - 1







February 4, 2013

A Big Bowl of Super

Yesterday was the 47th installment of the Super Bowl, the NFL Championship Game. The Baltimore Ravens are now World Champions after beating the San Fran 49ers on a missed holding call (with the good officials too, not the Foot Locker staff) The game was very entertaining, and so were the Commercials. Here are some of my favorites from yesterday:

1. GoDaddy.com Commercial featuring Danica Patrick, Bar Refaeli and one lucky ass nerd.
Why, oh why couldn't I have been casted for this ad? I have some TV experience. They did 45 takes in this shot. No word on how many times he had to change pants.

2. Geico Commercial featuring Dikembe Mutumbo
Former NBA player Dikembe Mutumbo is everywhere doing what he does best. Very funny for those who remember the 90's star, but still a close 2nd to the Eddie Money bit which debuted at SB 46

3. Audi Commercial featuring the New 2013 Audi S6
Between Walter from the GoDaddy bit, the Ravens (who were +4.5) and this kid, it was a night for the underdogs.

4. Doritos Commercial featuring a Goat
Guy buys a dorito-loving goat. Hilarity ensues.

5. Oreo Commercial - Cookie vs Cream
What happens when a dispute takes place in a library?

6. Mercedes-Benz Commercial featuring Kate Upton Washing a Car in Slow Motion
OK, so it's not #1 because, well it's basically false advertising. But it's on the list because it's still Kate Upton in Slow-Motion. I'll take that anyday.

HONORABLE MENTION: This should have aired last night and it would have been #2 for sure.


February 3, 2013

What is Alex Betting On This Super Bowl?

Super Bowl is just 24 hours away, and while this penultimate game of the Football season is about fun and parties, there is still some good money to be made just like the rest of the season. Everyone always asks me on any given day, How much do you have riding on this game? I rarely give out an exact number to people with the exception of Super Bowl Sunday. Here's what I'm betting and how much I stand to win if the bet hits. So you can now cheer/cringe/tail along with my bets:

NOTE: the Pay out number Includes the return of money risked + money won
Odds provided by Bovada for Information Purposes ONLY!

$330 on Niners -4 vs Ravens (pays out $630)
$110 on Niners-Ravens OVER 47 (pays out $210)
$100 on Niners (alternate spread -7.5 +155) (pays out $255)
$50 on Alicia Keys National Anthem (Under 2:10 -160) (Pays out $81.25)
$50 on Coin Toss (HEADS -105) (pays out +$102.50)
$50 on Total Points Scored Even/Odd (EVEN +110) (Pays out $105)
$50 on Total Points Scored Combined (51-55 Pts - 6/1) (Pays out $300)
$35 on First 1st Down Play (Rushing Play +145) (pays out $85.75)
$30 on Colin Kaepernick to score a Rushing TD (YES +115) (Pays out $64.50)
$30 on Distance of First Field Goal Made (23-29 Yds - 3/1) (Pays out $90)
$25 on Niners to win by 7 to 12 points - 4/1 (pays out $125)
$25 on Joe Flacco TDs (2 TDs +225) (Pays out $81.25)
$25 on Frank Gore to score TD in 1st Half (YES +125) (Pays out $56.25)
$20 on Score within first 5 mins of 1st Quarter (YES +170) (Pays out $54)

February 1, 2013

an Apology...

I owe someone an apology. Someone fictional, but a real apology. While the real actress/creator of "Girls" Lena Dunham doesn't know (or care) I have yelled at her character, Hannah about a dozen times, more than I have at any recent hoops game in which I've had money on the line. I gave her So much shit, soooo much shit for taking the garbage abuse that she subjects herself to from her pseudo/fuckbuddy/love interest Adam. And then it hit me today, that I've been in the middle of the same shit, in her shoes, and not in a real distant past either.

It's hard to really love someone, even when they care and they realise it and are reciprocating that love back to you. But when you love someone, I mean really take your whole heart out of your chest and off your sleeve, and they don't feel the same way, or take advantage of your truth and vulnerability and just outright really don't give a flying SuperFuck about how you feel and care for them, well there's truly a different pain and a different healing for a situation like that.

And then you start to question yourself and ger really mad at the mirror because you realise Everything that is being done in front of you, but yet you can pull yourself away from it. But when it's a friend in the same spot, we "Minimize" it down and tell them they need to pull their heads from out of their asses or their girlfriend or boyfriend's asses and stop subjecting themselves to the misery, when probably at the same time, our heads are as far or even further up our own assholes.

So, I'm sorry, Hannah. I know your pain and really wish you would just pull your head out from the hole, but really, who am I to comment.

January 31, 2013

My First Real Rant of 2013.

OK, so It's the last day of the first month of 2013. I don't have any real serious issues about life at the moment like usual. I have had some pretty good days so far this year to lead off, but I do have some small complaints on general human life that I'd like to get off of my chest.

* Tonight, I just left Mickey's Diner. The World Famous "Mighty Ducks Restaurant where Charlie's Mom Worked" in Downtown Saint Paul. it's 1:45am. I walk in to see a fellow Chicagoan eating with his woman and child, while wearing a Blackhawks jersey (they played here, lost in a shootout) and he's blasted drunk, cursing about him also losing his job as well as us "Sucking" tonight (Hawks actually played well against a good Wild team. fucking moron.) He eventually accosts 4 tourists from Chicagoland who were at the game, and disrupts their late night meal and even threatened two of my good friends who walked in about a milkshake (an incident I learned about after he left because I would have decked him at that point myself)  I'm just sick and fucking tired of people who make my city look bad, be it here or back at home. It's so sad and embarassing to see the death and struggle and crime in my hometown, and for fucking morons from their to make themselves look bad while representing our proud city and our sports teams makes me fucking sick. (For the record, said asshole is also a Cubs fan. explains a bit more)


* I've been watching this show "Girls" that comes on HBO. I'm catching up online because I refuse to spend any more cash on cable in this year than I have to. I'm watching the First Season, really funny shit, very awkward sex scenes but just a generally funny show. And then I hit Episode 4 and 5, when one of the charactors (SORRY, SPOILER ALERT!)  who has had a long going issue with her boyfriend about how he was so into her and that she doesn't love him as much, eventually they breakup after the BF reads the diary of the main character (who is BFF's with the GF) and then the Girlfriend gets mad at her friend, get this. FOR WRITING THIS SHIT IN HER PERSONAL DIARY! Are You Fucking Bleeping Me right now! She got upset because her friend knew the truth about how she felt, and so what does the Girlfriend do, she chases the newly crowned ex-boyfriend, and they talk and she literally begs him to take her back, which leads to this awkward sex scene and she ends up bumping her head on this partition of the bed, as if she has a fucking epiphany, and BAM!, She wants to break up with him. I have never been so mad at a scene from a television show in my entire fucking life as I was when I saw this shit. And what made me sooooo upset about this, is because THIS SHIT REALLY HAPPENS IN REAL FUCKING LIFE!!!! Countless people (mostly women) I Know who have fucking dealt with some bullshit relationship or situation where they are unhappy and yet when they realise it, and do the right thing by ending the relationship, they get sad and fucking hormonal and then decide to change their minds as if AS IF the fucking situation has flipped over like a fucking piece of paper on a windy day and that everything is cute, cool and hunky-fucking-dorey now after that happened. THE. DUMBEST. SHIT. I'VE. EVER/ SEEN. OR. HEARD. EVER! Stop It! Stop subjecting yourself to situations to where you are being treated like dogshit, because eventually, if you keep doing it, you will become the dogshit you are being treated like. Start using that fucking grey matter up top and quit being a dumbass and treat yourself better in life.


* I'm going to end this rant on a note that I've also said before. Mean what you say, and say what you mean, because no one likes a hypocrite, nor does anyone like someone who blames their actions and thoughts on other outside shit. I can outdrink the fucking populous of the neighborhood I live in and I've heard 3 different people in 24 hours blame shit they've done on either drinking or being "out of it" Get your fucking shit together and stop using anything, be it person or substance, to blame for anything you've done. If it's a mistake, it's a mistake and own up to it, but be real with the shit. Hide behind something like a coward, fucking fade like a coward.


Thanks folks. Have fun this weekend! Super Bowl is this Sunday! Bet the Niners and the Over!

January 28, 2013

The Carrie Diaries!

So it's well-documented how I'm a huge fan of the show Sex & The City (pretty sure I'm in the Guinness Book of Records for only straight male with the entire series on DVD, and in the Collector's Box). Well earlier this month, the CW debuted The Carrie Diaries, which is the Candace Bushnell penned novel pre-dating S&TC about Carrie Bradshaw as a 16 year old girl, living in Connecticut with her Dad and little sister after the loss of their Mom to cancer. She has her clique of friends, and she gets an internship working with a Law Firm in Manhattan, which then leads to her meeting a random lady with a British accent and she discovers how awesome city life and fashion is.

The pilot show was kind of a stretch to explain the story line, but it gets increasingly better and sucks you in just like S&TC does. AnnaSophia Robb does a wonderful job of capturing the quirkiness and wit that Sarah Jessica Parker does playing Carrie. However, I'm personally not a fan of her sister Dorrit (who is mysteriously never mentioned in S&TC) or her father Tom. It's just odd seeing Carrie not as independent as before, but kind of neat to see the transformation of her becoming a woman in the City. The show also does a wonderful job of capturing the style and music of the Mid-80's (I'm assuming someone is gonna break out some coke in a bullet before the season ends)  For anyone who hasn't seen or followed S&TC, should definitely watch The Carrie Diaries first and then you can see the transition of Carrie into the fashionista-writer that took the world by storm.

The Carrie Diaries come on the CW Network on Mondays at 8pm Eastern (check your local listings)

January 12, 2013

Grab Bag #18: Bunch of Shit

Happy 2013 Everyone! There's been a lot of shit to talk about, so let's hop into it!

* Some really good commercials out on TV recently. My favorites are the Geico Eddie Money Travel Agency, the Zoosk Heart, and the whole set of Wendy's ads with the super hot redhead. As much as I hate most fast-food, I would eat a meal from there to meet this lady. 

* The NFL Playoffs are Well underway. Lots of shockers with the Baltimore Ravens upsetting the Denver Broncos and the Green Bay Packers finding another way to "Discount Double Choke" in the postseason against the San Francisco 49ers. Hopefully Ray Lewis can capture a title to end up his Hall of Fame Career.

* The NHL Lockout has finally ended. However, the fans are left with a crammed schedule, and worries about injury issues with guys only dealing with one week of training camp. Not every player went overseas or trained on-ice as much, but we shall see a sloppy, grittier game that hopefully will not be bogged down with poor officiating like the end of last season. Gary Bettman is a fucking piece of shit and I'll sip champagne when his eyes close just like I did for Bill Wirtz.

* DJANGO UNCHAINED IS THE BEST MOVIE OF ALL-TIME!!!

Seriously. Most of you who know me well know my favorite movie ever is Scarface. Well that all changed a couple days after X-Mas when I went to see Django. It's Scarface, Pulp Fiction, The Help, and Smokin' Aces bundled into one. There's some Tarentino-quality humor parts and some amazing twists and turns that only Quentin can pull off. Excellent acting by everyone from Jamie Foxx, Christoph Waltz, Samuel L. Jackson, Kerry Washington, and a couple of surprise faces I won't ruin for you if you haven't seen it. GO SEE THIS FUCKING MOVIE! IT'S AHHMAZZING!!!

* A band to Check out in 2013 is Beast Patrol. This Glam-ish Indie trio from N.Y.C has the right mix of 80's grit and modern sound. Their EP, "Fierce & Grateful" has been spinning constantly on my laptop for months now. Listen to it HERE

* Later this Month, I will start doing interviews with interesting people from some of the subjects I talk about on here, Such as Food, Sports, Dating, Music, and Booze. So stay tuned for that new segment and if you have any suggestions of people I should interview, E-mail courtsideseatstohell@gmail.com

* Congrats to the Alabama Crimson Tide Football team, who captured the National Title by stomping out Notre Dame. But an even bigger congratulations goes out to QB A.J. McCarron, for not only winning on the field, but winning off the field by dating 2012 Miss Alabama winner Katherine Webb. This southern belle got ESPN Commentator Brent Musberger all hot and bothered and caused many a fellow (myself included) to conduct a thorough Google Search to see who she was.

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