So, I'm writing this at a bar. I just left a pretty fucking boring house party for the 9,635th time in 4 years here in min-ah-soo-tah. I've probably been to about 30 good house parties (24 of those I've hosted)
Not to blow my own horn, but I'm a decent party host. I know what kind of food and drink to serve, I know what kind of music to play and I know what groups of people to put together. Pretty much the 3 key elements of throwing a party.
Most college parties, despite the depiction in TV and Movies, are utter fucking garbage. Here's the breakdown of a typical college party here:
* Beer: Keg of crappy shit (gotta buy a cup) or everyone brings crap (keystone, mich golden hell, the rare pack of Red Dog, 211, or Mickey's) and they play Beer Nazi with their shitty selections.
* Booze: Phillips vodka, McAdams or Windsor Whiskey, Ron Diaz or Sailor Jerry's (if your lucky) for rum, and Cuervo gold for tequila. All guarenteed to give you gut rot/indigestion/horrible hangovers
*Music: Wiz Kalifah to Lil' Wayne to Dubstep. Stays on dubstep until someone requests a decent song, then back to Wayne and back to Dubstep. Rarely, a Britney Spears track will appear, if enough girls present.
*Other: I don't smoke weed, which means there will be tons of weed. Probably pills too. Drugs are bad, m'kay.
*People: Ok, we got about 6 classifications of people at an average College party.
1. Douchebag (male): He's digging the beer, loving the dubstep, and hitting on every girl in an obnoxious manner. I wanna fight these guys at a party.
2. Drunk Slut (female): She's hammered, probably between a 5-8 on the female scale, and 3 scenarios will happen at the end of the night (A. You take her home, bang her, and catch something. B. You get rejected by her, and she pukes, saving you from trouble. C. You hang with her, starts making out with you, then stops for whatever reason, only to bang some other guy, and/or puke)
3. Stoner/Druggie (male): He's there for one thing and one thing only. "Where's the weed at? " is his rally cry. Don't let him drink, he will puke everywhere. He's a douche, but not THE Douchebag.
4. Bougie (female) Kanye West nailed this femme fuckup on the head. "Bougie girl, grab her hand, fuck that bitch, she don't wanna dance." Since I am in minnesota and not paris, no french will be excused. This lady can seriously go freeze in the cold. She's there with a group of drunk sluts or dating a douchebag. She will ask for a beer and look at you like a bleeding quadriplegic leper when you try to start a convo with her.
5. Chatter (male): "oh hey, you play music?" "What kind of beer you like?" "They got some weed here?" "Where are the bitches?"
Shut. The. Fuck. Up.
You are talking too much. No one cares that you downloaded the new Mumford and Sons single, or if you love Summit's new Spring IPA. Get out of my face, pronto.
6. Anti-social (both): Ok, you are at a party. Probably by choice, maybe not. But either way, at least make the effort to give a fuck about where you are. If you want to not be around people, then leave. Otherwise you are being a fuckin douche.
I am tired writing about these assholes, so I will wrap this post up. I dunno how to end this post other than with a little quote my departed uncle used to say, "Stay with your own party."
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