Impaired Moment #356

So here's a story about what happened yesterday. A tale of drinking on an empty stomach, true friendship and bad ideas.

I went out yesterday morning and had lunch with a friend. Taking it easy, I just order a chicken salad and a pop. Cut to 5 hours later where I have a nap and wake up to start drinking a Thug Passion (read previous post from a few months ago on said drink recipe) Then, I go across the street, where there is a music in the park festival going on, and I meet up with some friends. After sitting there and seeing a bunch of uncoordinated people clap to some half-assed jazz covers, we go and hit a couple of bars.

During this small bar crawl, I did manage to scarf down a pork sandwich but that holds liquor like a UPS box holds water. Eventually, I am outside at a bar really close to my house. This is where shit goes bad. 2 of my friends go home, and at this point I'm really drunk. I get a text from this girl who I used to be into and she was at a bar down the street. Me and a friend who stuck around go down there and before I could have a drink, I turn and go home. I rush to the bathroom and I coughed twice, knowing what's on deck. My pork sandwich and thug passion is in the sink. I quickly grab a red cup and transfer contents to the toilet (my friend later helped clean my bathroom, I owe him a case of beer now, such a nice guy) and after slamming a (different) cup of water, I decide to go back to the bar.

This is where shit REALLY Goes bad. My Friend has a friend of a friend who, well let's just say will never be on the cover of Vogue anytime soon. About my height (probably a couple inches taller than me actually) slightly below average body and had braces (Yes, she was old enough to drink, Your Honor) This lady was having the time of her life, and was visibly looking for some nightcap action. But, she was getting shut down (for obvious aesthetic reasons) and I felt bad for her. I had briefly chatted with her and she was a nice person just wanting to have a good time.

Now it's bar close, everyone's outside. My other buddies are waiting for a cab and Lady wants to know where the after-party is. Me, still drunk (only had 2 pints of water the 2nd time around) decides to make a selfish charity donation and commits to bringing her and her friend (they play the Ashford & Simpson scene at bars, if ya catch my drift) back to my place. We drink some more (...oh, Me? I'm drinking "vodka" on the rocks - lowball glass of water)

Eventually, sobriety grows within me and my guilt and booze influenced idea fades, and thankfully, Ashford takes Simpson home and I eventually pass out for the night.

What I hope you learn from this story is to always eat a good meal before drinking heavy. And make sure you have a good support system of friends around too.

Grab Bag #10: Hot Dogs, Music and Booze for the 4th

*Whoa, so I read a Huffington Post article and slide show talking about the Chinese Dog Meat Industry. That shit is fucking real and about as crazy as you'd imagine. Piles of puppies shaved and ready for human consumption. People here say its crazy because it's man's best friend (to some, not me) but we must keep in mind it's a different culture. Indians (Dot, not woo-woo) worship cows as gods. Me, I pray to a Filet Migeon whenever I have $50 burning in my pocket. I will note that the images in the article are pretty graphic, so if you're not into that thing... who am I kidding, you're reading my blog, you probably aren't That squeamish.

So this leads us to our first ever poll question here at Courtside Seats to Hell:
Would you eat a Dog?  


The Voting box will be posted on the side.


*Saw Volbeat the other night. I get what the hype's all about. These guys are fun to watch and really talented. I love their cover version of "Only Wanna Be With You"

*People have requested that I post more drink recipes, so here are a few:

Clean Suburban
- 2 shots Absolut Berry Acai Vodka
- 4 seedless Blueberries
- dash of Lemon Juice
- 8 oz fresh Lemonade

Muddle 2 blueberries in a mixing glass and add ice, a dash of lemon juice, and 2 shots of Acai vodka. Shake and strain into a chilled highball and fill glass with fresh lemonade

Downtown Baller
- 2.5 oz Ciroc Coconut
- 1 oz Lime Juice
- Lime Wedge

Mix Ciroc and Lime Juice in an ice filled shaker. Shake and strain on the rocks in a lowball glass, garnish with lime wedge.

Forest Lake Special
- 6 oz Captain Morgan
- 1 can monster

Mix together with ice in one of those Holiday gas station cups. Remember, this drink is from Forest Lake, Minnesota.


If I don't see ya before then, have a happy and safe 4th of July. Don't blow off any limbs. 
And to my Chicagoans, don't get in that damn lake!

Full of Shit: The Official Dating History (to date) of Alex B. Smith

There have been some outright pathetic stretches in history. The Reign of Hitler, The Cubs' World Series Drought (ok, that one is cool) and Communism in China. But one of the shittiest trends in recent years has to be my own personal dating life, or lack thereof.


*Note: Names have been omitted and/or changed to avoid any defamation lawsuits


It all started in 2009. That right there is fucked. I was 19 going on 20 before Date #1. That first one went well, actually led to me "seeing someone" for 4 weeks, only for it to end miserably and miss a chance at being with someone else that could have been a great relationship.


Now fast forward to spring 2010, one of my best friends and his girlfriend set me up on a blind double date with one of her good friends. Apparently both of us were to have a lot in common musically, and she liked the sound of that band I was in then. What was neglected to be mentioned after I told the couple, "Sounds great, I'll make reservations for this great steak place I know of downtown" that this girl was a fucking Vegetarian! Now here I am not knowing this until 3 days before, I look like a giant asshole. Thankfully she enjoyed her salad, no one liked the wine selection I made and that's a $300 dinner I'd like to have back, to be honest.


Next one was winter of 2011, same couple (still feeling bad about Steakgate) tell me a random friend from her school that I met for 5 minutes once would be interested in going on a date. So this time the failfull foursome head to a more Hip(ster) place in St. Paul and chill. This seemed awesome until 3 things happened:


1) she kept slamming shit we liked because she's from fucking Germany (and one of my best friends is from there and he does the same shit, so it wasn't too shocking, but still annoying.)


2) she never made any eye contact while talking to me. Big sign that you'd rather be doing something else.


3) she starts hitting on my best friend constantly, and only until me and him mention it to his girlfriend, this continued for about a good 2 hours when we went to a mutual friend's party nearby


So with that being said, chalk it up to another bad date.


The last date I've been on was in January of this year 2012. Now I should have known this was gonna be a trainwreck. I have meet this girl twice in 2 years prior. Both times meeting her, she was blasted hammered with co-workers at a famous western suburb bar and the first time I met and danced with her, she had on a giant engagement ring. Anyways, I invite her to a Gopher Hockey game. She said she loved hockey. That translates into, I thought we were going to see the Wild and I don't actually know about hockey but I like to see them fight and hit each other. Combine that with the fact there's no liquor at campus events (Get Your Shit Together Gophers!) And this becomes a 3 hour clinic of silence. Oh and the Gophers got blown out early in this game, only to make a decent comeback effort in the 3rd and still lose. Afterwards, we drink at a nearby bar and eventually we both did something together. Threw in the towel on this date.


I've had people tell me that my problems range from "Being too nice", "Being Too Interested (aka, actually being interested at all) and my favorite excuse of a phrase that translates into "I'm not sure why you suck" is:
"If you stop looking, it'll happen when you least expect it."


This logic is perfect for winning the lotto or pinch hitting in the 9th, but this is god-awful advice. I go by the motto "You get out of something what you put into it". And for me to do nothing, nothing comes back in return. Quite basic. It goes without saying too that everyone who tells me this is always in a relationship or is part of that elite group that can date on demand and have no troubles finding at least someone to enjoy a nice evening with. No one's talking about sex at the end of the night or relationship potential, but it would be nice to actually meet a girl who's into me as much as I am in her and we go on some dates.


If you or some lady you know fits this bill, E-Mail at courtsideseatstohell@gmail.com. And who knows, maybe we hit it off or maybe I end up writing about you on the blog (just kidding... kinda)

50 Shades of Bored: Book Preview

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