Happy Fuckin' Valentine's Day

Hallmark and Hershey present to you a carnival of emotions. This day sounds ridiculous, but could be really awesome or really shitty depending on your status of a significant other. We all know where I stand there, but for those who do have someone special and magical in their lives (and there really are some people who have that... For the moment at least) then this day should be celebrated in a grand fashion, but everyday forward as well. If you really mean the shit you "said" in a $9 card (which you don't) then live that life and bring your guy/girl roses on August 5th, and June 26th, and October 2nd, because true love doesn't have one set day.

Now for the rest of us miserable ass singles, people who try to fake themselves into being happy by throwing the "this is a celebration of me today" card out (in my opinion, more pathetic than just cursing this day off outright)

A mini-background on my history on February 14th, I thought this was a cool holiday when I was a kid, because copious amounts of candy were involved (now I'd rather have a holiday with copious amounts of liquor) and because I have always been one of those faulty "Believe in Love" kind of guys. My first crush was when I was 6 years old, and I gave her a Ring Pop in proposal fashion. She accepted the ring and rejected me, starting the viciously depressing cycle timeclock that became my love life. Over 9 years of grammar school, I was shut down 5 times on V-Day. Then High School hit and this day became irrelevant, considering I went to a All-Boys school and worked 2 side jobs, I just kinda bypassed this day for 4 years.

Everything changed in 2009, when I moved up here to Minnesota, and found myself dating someone for the entire 2nd month of that year. Me being me, I decided to cook dinner at home for the night for 2 reasons: 1-Dinner at home can sound more romantic to some chicks than going out somewhere. 2-The Slam Dunk Contest was on that night. Now this sounds like a great idea but 19 year old me couldn't cook like current me, so I basically improvised and bought some Domino's buffalo chicken and cut it up and tossed it into a salad. It came out okay, dinner went well, and the night ended with a nice make-out session and a good slam dunk contest (literally, that was the year Dwight Howard did the crazy Superman dunk. Now he's got about as much game as the real Superman... Still too soon?). Point of note: Did not have sex on that date, despite it being our 5th date, that trend continued for a couple more dates and she was placed on Waivers that March 1st.

Cut to 4 years later, still single, not even a single prospect and while it's not the worst thing ever, it's just a testament to most of the things I've blogged about on here. The landscape of dating is about as fucked as the American Unemployment Rate and it's not getting any better. So Here I rant, Bottle of Grey Goose by my side. Here's to another Valentine's Day

Grab Bag 19: A Redemption Story and Betting on the Next Pope

* Usually ESPN will throw out a story on SportsCenter or College Gameday and it will be some sob tearjerker about a Coaches' sick kid or a special needs kid in H.S. making a trick shot, and it's really just shown for rating's sake, But one story that the Worldwide Sports Leader should tell is one of their own current workers, Analyst Jay Williams. Bulls fans like me remember Jay for being the dumbass who crashed his bike on the North Side and ruined his career, as well as wasting our #2 draft pick in 2002 (Yao Ming went 1st... so Jay wasn't the biggest bust ever) But this New York Times article tells the true story of the struggles and obstacles he overcame to get where he is now. This is a must-read, feel-good story. After reading this, I have a new respect for Jay and I have personally forgiven him for his mistake a decade ago. Plus the lucky S.O.B is dating Charissa Thompson.

* So, for those who follow this kind of stuff, Pope Benedict XVI is stepping down from his Grand Wizard  World Heavyweight Title  Holy Seat at the end of the month. I was trapped in Catholic High School when he was named Pope, and as the house bookie, I drew up real odds on who would be the next in line. Benedict (Real Name: Joe Ratzinger) cashed in at 5/2 odds (only 2 kids won if I can recall)

Without further ado, here are my quoted odds for the next Pope:

Cardinal Angelo Bagansco (Real Cardinal in Italy) 8/5

Father Guido Sarducci (Chain-smoking priest) 75 - 1

Benny Hinn (Scammy Arab Pastor) 100 - 1

Creflo Dollar (Scammy Black Preacher) 125 - 1

Father Michael Pfleger (Chicago Pastor/Activist) 300 - 1

Spirit of Truth Minster (Flowin' from the Survival Scrolls, Biatch!) 475 - 1

Chris Berman (ESPN Patriarch) 500 - 1

Ozzy Osbourne (Prince of Darkness) 666 - 1

Sally Field (former Flying Nun) 1250 - 1

Horse Head Guy during Hurricane Sandy (Badass) 1500 - 1

Jesus (Might be a good time for a comeback, right?) 3500 - 1

A Big Bowl of Super

Yesterday was the 47th installment of the Super Bowl, the NFL Championship Game. The Baltimore Ravens are now World Champions after beating the San Fran 49ers on a missed holding call (with the good officials too, not the Foot Locker staff) The game was very entertaining, and so were the Commercials. Here are some of my favorites from yesterday:

1. GoDaddy.com Commercial featuring Danica Patrick, Bar Refaeli and one lucky ass nerd.
Why, oh why couldn't I have been casted for this ad? I have some TV experience. They did 45 takes in this shot. No word on how many times he had to change pants.

2. Geico Commercial featuring Dikembe Mutumbo
Former NBA player Dikembe Mutumbo is everywhere doing what he does best. Very funny for those who remember the 90's star, but still a close 2nd to the Eddie Money bit which debuted at SB 46

3. Audi Commercial featuring the New 2013 Audi S6
Between Walter from the GoDaddy bit, the Ravens (who were +4.5) and this kid, it was a night for the underdogs.

4. Doritos Commercial featuring a Goat
Guy buys a dorito-loving goat. Hilarity ensues.

5. Oreo Commercial - Cookie vs Cream
What happens when a dispute takes place in a library?

6. Mercedes-Benz Commercial featuring Kate Upton Washing a Car in Slow Motion
OK, so it's not #1 because, well it's basically false advertising. But it's on the list because it's still Kate Upton in Slow-Motion. I'll take that anyday.

HONORABLE MENTION: This should have aired last night and it would have been #2 for sure.

What is Alex Betting On This Super Bowl?

Super Bowl is just 24 hours away, and while this penultimate game of the Football season is about fun and parties, there is still some good money to be made just like the rest of the season. Everyone always asks me on any given day, How much do you have riding on this game? I rarely give out an exact number to people with the exception of Super Bowl Sunday. Here's what I'm betting and how much I stand to win if the bet hits. So you can now cheer/cringe/tail along with my bets:

NOTE: the Pay out number Includes the return of money risked + money won

Odds provided by Bovada for Information Purposes ONLY!

$330 on Niners -4 vs Ravens (pays out $630)

$110 on Niners-Ravens OVER 47 (pays out $210)

$100 on Niners (alternate spread -7.5 +155) (pays out $255)

$50 on Alicia Keys National Anthem (Under 2:10 -160) (Pays out $81.25)

$50 on Coin Toss (HEADS -105) (pays out +$102.50)

$50 on Total Points Scored Even/Odd (EVEN +110) (Pays out $105)

$50 on Total Points Scored Combined (51-55 Pts - 6/1) (Pays out $300)

$35 on First 1st Down Play (Rushing Play +145) (pays out $85.75)

$30 on Colin Kaepernick to score a Rushing TD (YES +115) (Pays out $64.50)

$30 on Distance of First Field Goal Made (23-29 Yds - 3/1) (Pays out $90)

$25 on Niners to win by 7 to 12 points - 4/1 (pays out $125)

$25 on Joe Flacco TDs (2 TDs +225) (Pays out $81.25)

$25 on Frank Gore to score TD in 1st Half (YES +125) (Pays out $56.25)

$20 on Score within first 5 mins of 1st Quarter (YES +170) (Pays out $54)

an Apology...

I owe someone an apology. Someone fictional, but a real apology. While the real actress/creator of "Girls" Lena Dunham doesn't know (or care) I have yelled at her character, Hannah about a dozen times, more than I have at any recent hoops game in which I've had money on the line. I gave her So much shit, soooo much shit for taking the garbage abuse that she subjects herself to from her pseudo/fuckbuddy/love interest Adam. And then it hit me today, that I've been in the middle of the same shit, in her shoes, and not in a real distant past either.

It's hard to really love someone, even when they care and they realise it and are reciprocating that love back to you. But when you love someone, I mean really take your whole heart out of your chest and off your sleeve, and they don't feel the same way, or take advantage of your truth and vulnerability and just outright really don't give a flying SuperFuck about how you feel and care for them, well there's truly a different pain and a different healing for a situation like that.

And then you start to question yourself and ger really mad at the mirror because you realise Everything that is being done in front of you, but yet you can pull yourself away from it. But when it's a friend in the same spot, we "Minimize" it down and tell them they need to pull their heads from out of their asses or their girlfriend or boyfriend's asses and stop subjecting themselves to the misery, when probably at the same time, our heads are as far or even further up our own assholes.

So, I'm sorry, Hannah. I know your pain and really wish you would just pull your head out from the hole, but really, who am I to comment.