Courtside Seats to Hell Presents FOOTBALL DAYS 2012

So with Summer winding down in the next several weeks, NFL and College Football teams are hitting the field and working out, getting ready for combat on the gridiron this fall.

While usually I disappear from people during football season the last several years, this year I have charted out a plan of throwing a season-long set of Bar Crawls and House Party viewings to watch the games this season. We also have some possible Tailgate road trips to Chicago and Minneapolis planned

So, without further ado, here's the first half tentative viewing party schedule:

NOTE: Times and Bars Subject to Change, and Bars listed at TBD will be updated soon

Courtside Seats to Hell presents the 2012 Football Tailgate + Party Days

Friday Aug 24th - Bears vs Giants @ Alary's

Thurs Aug 30th - Kickoff Party @ Chateau

Sat Sept 1st - Kickoff Party @ Chateau

Wed Sep 5th - NFL Kickoff (Cowboys-Giants @ Kelly's Bar)

Sat Sept 8th -

Nebraska @ Tom Reid's - Night

Sun Sept 9th - 

Bears vs Colts @ Alary's - Day

Steelers vs Broncos @ McGovern's - Night

Thur Sept 13th -

Bears-Packers @ Chateau - Night

Sat Sept 15th - Tailgate in Chicago for Northwestern-Boston College

Sun Sept 16th - Off Day

Thurs Sept 20th - Panthers @ TBD? - Night

Sat Sept 22nd - Kansas vs NIU @ Tiffany's

Sun Sept 23rd - Bears @ Alary's

Sat Sept 29th -

Bar Spot for Gophers-Iowa - Day

Sun Sept 30th - Party @ Chateau

Mon Oct 1st - Bears vs Cowboys @ Alary's - Night

Sat Oct 6th - Miami vs Notre Dame @ Bar TBD

Sun Oct 7th - Bears vs Jaguars @ Alary's - Day

Thurs Oct 11th - Steelers @ McGovern's - Night

Sat Oct 13th - Homecoming Tailgate - Minnesota vs Northwestern

Sun Oct 14th - Packers vs Texans @ Gabe's?

Mon Oct 15th - Broncos vs Chargers @ TBD??

Sat Oct 20th - Nebraska @ Tom Reid's

Sun Oct 21st - 

Vikings vs Arizona @ TBD - Day

Steelers vs Cincinnati @ McGovern's - Night

Mon Oct 22nd - Bears vs Detroit @ Alary's

Thurs Oct 25th - Vikings vs Tampa Bay - Tailgate at Dome???

Sat Oct 27th - Party @ Chateau

Sun Oct 28th -

Bears vs Panthers @ Alary's - Day

Broncos vs Saints @ TBD - Night

Sat Nov 3rd - Tailgate @ TCF for Gophers-Michigan???

Sun Nov 4th - Bears @ Alary's

Wed Nov 7th - Bowling Green-Ohio at ABB

Sat Nov 10th - Party @ Chateau

Sun Nov 11th - Bears @ Alary's - Night

Mon Nov 12th - Steelers @ McGovern's

...More Dates to be Added Later in the Season

Loving this song! New track from Garbage

Adultism: Age is nothing but a number

Adultocracy: The social convention which defines "maturity" and "immaturity," placing adults in a dominant position over young people, both theoretically and practically. - (from Wikipedia)


Ever since childhood, I have dealt with ageism. Mainly because of the fact that I didn't not have the "normal" childhood. I didn't watch cartoons on saturday morning, I watched news and college football. My dad is a doctor, so laying around on the floor of our house would be copies of the New England Journal of Medicine, which at a young age, I was reading and comprehending with no issue. I could have probably gone on to become a doctor before even having to shave my face, but my mom made the smart and logical decision to not have me skip grades and develop social interaction with kids my age. (Plus, I hated blood as a child, thus didn't want to be in the medical field)


(Sidenote: My mom is 57 and my dad is 74.)


I grew up with old parents and I was an only child. This lead to a lot of summer days indoors and great reports from first hand accounts of Vietnam and the Civil Rights Movement. However, this made interacting with children my age extremely hard. My favorite movies growing up were the James Bond films (for some reason I liked Roger Moore a bit more than Sean Connery) Try being 6 years old talking to a kid about how awesome "Moonraker" was. It's like catching bees with chopsticks in the dark.


Throughout the years, this became more and more difficult and as I am now 23 years and 1 month old, I still deal with Ageism, but from two different angles.


Most of my friends are older, between the ages of 25-34. I tend to connect with older individuals, mainly because I, too, enjoy nice fitting suits, wearing a timepiece, drinking well-aged whiskey and understanding the cultural appeal of TV shows such as The Sopranos and Sex and the City.


Even with this, I try my best not to alienate my "age box" of 18-23, but as I enter the cusp of changing boxes, it gets harder to connect to the masses that tune into The Jersey Shore, and think that Skrillex and LMFAO are the kings of dance music (that's just a sick thought, no matter how old you are)


What kills me more than anything else is when I'm talking with someone older, and they ask how old I am. I'll say 23, and they'll reply with something like "Oh, you're so young" or the ultra-condescending "You're just a baby" Correction: I'm a grown ass fucking man. I have my own apartment, my own full time job, hell I fucking Paid Out in taxes last year, tell me how many 23 year olds did that. Call me a baby again, and I'll tell you to stick your hands out so we can see how old you are.


It's very disrespectful to have this stigma of the fact that I'm young, that I have to be like most my age. Get to know me and you will see that I'm not like others my age, and there are plenty of young people who actually know things and have their shit together, just like I know a ton of old-ass people that have never been shit and never will be shit.


Ageism is assumption in its rawest form, and to assume is hazardous. A life lesson you'd think some would learn at a younger age, eh?

It's Complicated

We make things in our lives so complicated, especially when it comes to matters of the heart. We are taught how to think rationally and that can sometimes conflict with our emotional responses.

Sometimes relationships don't work out, not because 2 people didn't love each other, but because the times and situations didn't work for the couple. Sometimes people fall quicker for someone than the other person did, if they even did at all. And sometimes, you can see someone in a different light, and how you feel about them changes and grows into something unexplainable and random.

For any of us who go through this, we as a majority, struggle with these inner feelings because of the fear of getting hurt, hurting someone else, or trying to avoid an ackward situation. 

But the real question is: Which side do we listen to, and when is the right time to do so? The answer for that, well, It's Complicated.

Impaired Moment #356

So here's a story about what happened yesterday. A tale of drinking on an empty stomach, true friendship and bad ideas.

I went out yesterday morning and had lunch with a friend. Taking it easy, I just order a chicken salad and a pop. Cut to 5 hours later where I have a nap and wake up to start drinking a Thug Passion (read previous post from a few months ago on said drink recipe) Then, I go across the street, where there is a music in the park festival going on, and I meet up with some friends. After sitting there and seeing a bunch of uncoordinated people clap to some half-assed jazz covers, we go and hit a couple of bars.

During this small bar crawl, I did manage to scarf down a pork sandwich but that holds liquor like a UPS box holds water. Eventually, I am outside at a bar really close to my house. This is where shit goes bad. 2 of my friends go home, and at this point I'm really drunk. I get a text from this girl who I used to be into and she was at a bar down the street. Me and a friend who stuck around go down there and before I could have a drink, I turn and go home. I rush to the bathroom and I coughed twice, knowing what's on deck. My pork sandwich and thug passion is in the sink. I quickly grab a red cup and transfer contents to the toilet (my friend later helped clean my bathroom, I owe him a case of beer now, such a nice guy) and after slamming a (different) cup of water, I decide to go back to the bar.

This is where shit REALLY Goes bad. My Friend has a friend of a friend who, well let's just say will never be on the cover of Vogue anytime soon. About my height (probably a couple inches taller than me actually) slightly below average body and had braces (Yes, she was old enough to drink, Your Honor) This lady was having the time of her life, and was visibly looking for some nightcap action. But, she was getting shut down (for obvious aesthetic reasons) and I felt bad for her. I had briefly chatted with her and she was a nice person just wanting to have a good time.

Now it's bar close, everyone's outside. My other buddies are waiting for a cab and Lady wants to know where the after-party is. Me, still drunk (only had 2 pints of water the 2nd time around) decides to make a selfish charity donation and commits to bringing her and her friend (they play the Ashford & Simpson scene at bars, if ya catch my drift) back to my place. We drink some more (...oh, Me? I'm drinking "vodka" on the rocks - lowball glass of water)

Eventually, sobriety grows within me and my guilt and booze influenced idea fades, and thankfully, Ashford takes Simpson home and I eventually pass out for the night.

What I hope you learn from this story is to always eat a good meal before drinking heavy. And make sure you have a good support system of friends around too.

Grab Bag #10: Hot Dogs, Music and Booze for the 4th

*Whoa, so I read a Huffington Post article and slide show talking about the Chinese Dog Meat Industry. That shit is fucking real and about as crazy as you'd imagine. Piles of puppies shaved and ready for human consumption. People here say its crazy because it's man's best friend (to some, not me) but we must keep in mind it's a different culture. Indians (Dot, not woo-woo) worship cows as gods. Me, I pray to a Filet Migeon whenever I have $50 burning in my pocket. I will note that the images in the article are pretty graphic, so if you're not into that thing... who am I kidding, you're reading my blog, you probably aren't That squeamish.

So this leads us to our first ever poll question here at Courtside Seats to Hell:
Would you eat a Dog?  


The Voting box will be posted on the side.


*Saw Volbeat the other night. I get what the hype's all about. These guys are fun to watch and really talented. I love their cover version of "Only Wanna Be With You"

*People have requested that I post more drink recipes, so here are a few:

Clean Suburban
- 2 shots Absolut Berry Acai Vodka
- 4 seedless Blueberries
- dash of Lemon Juice
- 8 oz fresh Lemonade

Muddle 2 blueberries in a mixing glass and add ice, a dash of lemon juice, and 2 shots of Acai vodka. Shake and strain into a chilled highball and fill glass with fresh lemonade

Downtown Baller
- 2.5 oz Ciroc Coconut
- 1 oz Lime Juice
- Lime Wedge

Mix Ciroc and Lime Juice in an ice filled shaker. Shake and strain on the rocks in a lowball glass, garnish with lime wedge.

Forest Lake Special
- 6 oz Captain Morgan
- 1 can monster

Mix together with ice in one of those Holiday gas station cups. Remember, this drink is from Forest Lake, Minnesota.


If I don't see ya before then, have a happy and safe 4th of July. Don't blow off any limbs. 
And to my Chicagoans, don't get in that damn lake!

Full of Shit: The Official Dating History (to date) of Alex B. Smith

There have been some outright pathetic stretches in history. The Reign of Hitler, The Cubs' World Series Drought (ok, that one is cool) and Communism in China. But one of the shittiest trends in recent years has to be my own personal dating life, or lack thereof.


*Note: Names have been omitted and/or changed to avoid any defamation lawsuits


It all started in 2009. That right there is fucked. I was 19 going on 20 before Date #1. That first one went well, actually led to me "seeing someone" for 4 weeks, only for it to end miserably and miss a chance at being with someone else that could have been a great relationship.


Now fast forward to spring 2010, one of my best friends and his girlfriend set me up on a blind double date with one of her good friends. Apparently both of us were to have a lot in common musically, and she liked the sound of that band I was in then. What was neglected to be mentioned after I told the couple, "Sounds great, I'll make reservations for this great steak place I know of downtown" that this girl was a fucking Vegetarian! Now here I am not knowing this until 3 days before, I look like a giant asshole. Thankfully she enjoyed her salad, no one liked the wine selection I made and that's a $300 dinner I'd like to have back, to be honest.


Next one was winter of 2011, same couple (still feeling bad about Steakgate) tell me a random friend from her school that I met for 5 minutes once would be interested in going on a date. So this time the failfull foursome head to a more Hip(ster) place in St. Paul and chill. This seemed awesome until 3 things happened:


1) she kept slamming shit we liked because she's from fucking Germany (and one of my best friends is from there and he does the same shit, so it wasn't too shocking, but still annoying.)


2) she never made any eye contact while talking to me. Big sign that you'd rather be doing something else.


3) she starts hitting on my best friend constantly, and only until me and him mention it to his girlfriend, this continued for about a good 2 hours when we went to a mutual friend's party nearby


So with that being said, chalk it up to another bad date.


The last date I've been on was in January of this year 2012. Now I should have known this was gonna be a trainwreck. I have meet this girl twice in 2 years prior. Both times meeting her, she was blasted hammered with co-workers at a famous western suburb bar and the first time I met and danced with her, she had on a giant engagement ring. Anyways, I invite her to a Gopher Hockey game. She said she loved hockey. That translates into, I thought we were going to see the Wild and I don't actually know about hockey but I like to see them fight and hit each other. Combine that with the fact there's no liquor at campus events (Get Your Shit Together Gophers!) And this becomes a 3 hour clinic of silence. Oh and the Gophers got blown out early in this game, only to make a decent comeback effort in the 3rd and still lose. Afterwards, we drink at a nearby bar and eventually we both did something together. Threw in the towel on this date.


I've had people tell me that my problems range from "Being too nice", "Being Too Interested (aka, actually being interested at all) and my favorite excuse of a phrase that translates into "I'm not sure why you suck" is:
"If you stop looking, it'll happen when you least expect it."


This logic is perfect for winning the lotto or pinch hitting in the 9th, but this is god-awful advice. I go by the motto "You get out of something what you put into it". And for me to do nothing, nothing comes back in return. Quite basic. It goes without saying too that everyone who tells me this is always in a relationship or is part of that elite group that can date on demand and have no troubles finding at least someone to enjoy a nice evening with. No one's talking about sex at the end of the night or relationship potential, but it would be nice to actually meet a girl who's into me as much as I am in her and we go on some dates.


If you or some lady you know fits this bill, E-Mail at courtsideseatstohell@gmail.com. And who knows, maybe we hit it off or maybe I end up writing about you on the blog (just kidding... kinda)

50 Shades of Bored: Book Preview

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My Top 10 Favorite YouTube videos

So, what's the coolest thing on the internet (besides porn. And this blog, of course)
YouTube. Here are my All-Time Favorite YouTube videos

10. The Spirit of Truth Minister

OK, so I'm not even remotely religious in the conventional sense, which is probably why I find this really funny and everyone else thinks it's super fuckin offensive. Gotta love an ex-con who beautifully blends Mystikal and Moses.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MwsWskgKe5E


9. Howard Dean - BYAHHH!!!

Pretty much one of my favorite moments in U.S. Political History. An old white guy screaming like he's at a Jimmy Buffet concert, when he was really at a Warren Buffet-funded rally.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D5FzCeV0ZFc


8. Wheel of Fortune Crackhead

Best. Game Show Contestant. Ever.  God Bless You, Raymond Taylor
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aceuaYKC8lI


7. Chicago Blackhawks Commercial from 2008

Cool commercial. Check out :22 mark
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fFGOSdsC6xc


6. Gary Goodridge's KO in UFC

Back when the UFC was super new and super fucking awesome, crazy shit like this happened.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Z2Phyg6qpM


5, Jan Terri - Losing You

There is a lot, and I mean A LOT of Bad music on YouTube. Here's the winner. Gotta love the old Chicago landmark drops too
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hLqvQUoxLFI


4. Gimme My Muthafuckin Change Back

Good ole humorous racism at it's finest. This lil' kid ain't playin'
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IC-7_sQNINA


3. Drinking Out of Cups

Take a hilarious rant and mix it with a funny animation and you have this piece of YouTube gold.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0IzipOWDaQk


2. Git Outta My Binnis Nigga

A pack of drunks arguing. That's funny enough. Then it gets better.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ii3OIguICOo


1. James Brown Drunk

A classic gem that would have been overlooked and buried away with the Godfather of Soul himself had it not been for YouTube.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9tfNhL_R_rI

Grab Bag #8: Hippies Suck, Cabs aren't much better, Perfect Hot Dog and Have a Safe Holiday!

* So last weekend back in Chicago, the NATO and G8 Summits went down and shit was crazy all over the city. Fucking Hippie Protesters kept popping up all over the place and riot cops did their best to not just outright kill them (where's Old Man Daley when ya need him, eh?) Watching this shit on the news made me really glad I didn't try to go home then.

* I'm getting really sick of the unprofessionalism of the Cab companies in Saint Paul. They wanna always bitch about getting fucked by the city council and how people don't tip and are rude to them. Maybe it's because the majority of them are providing a service at a shitty level. Punctuality is just lost on some of these drivers. Maybe it's part of that soft Minnesota passive bullshit but if I call a goddamn cab, it's because I have somewhere to go at a certain time. Lollygag on your own damn time off work.

* I wanna hear some feedback on my Sexual Rant, "Head is Overrated". E-mail me at courtsideseatstohell@gmail.com and voice your thoughts and opinions on the subject

* Over the last year, I have been working on taking a bunch of my recipes and making a cookbook. Since Grilling season is in full swing, I will post up some recipes in the near future.... Like now:

The Perfect Hot Dogs
- 1 pack Kosher All-Beef Hot Dogs (none of the pork/horse combo bullshit, real beef)
- 1 white onion
- 1 yellow and red pepper
- 2 cheap cans of beer (I prefer MGD or Carling Black Label)
- 1 tablespoon black pepper
- 1 teaspoon celery salt
Optional: Ketchup*, bright green relish

Get a stock pot, pour in 1 1/2 cans of beer, add the peppers and onions, along with the pepper and celery salt, boil on medium-low for 5-7 minutes. Start up grill and finish off 1/2 can of beer while boiling, if desired, warm the hot dog buns on the grill upon starting for 30 seconds a bun. Turn off pot, and place dogs and veggies on the grill. Cook until charred. Remove peppers and onion and chop in bite-sized piece. Top dog with peppers, onions, ketchup* and relish. Add extra celery salt and pepper if desired.

*Note: Yes, I am from Chicago and I put ketchup on my hot dogs. I hate mustard. We can fight about this if you like.

Happy Memorial Day! God Bless our Servicemen & women! And drink, don't drive. Call a cab (if they'll actually pick ya up, the lazy fucks)

Head is Overrated: a Sex Rant

Note: this post is graphic in nature. (aka pretty fuckin dirty, like verbal porn) so be careful where you read this. It's posts like this why I have that semi-annoying disclamer upon entering the site.

Yep, you read the title correctly. I find that getting my dick sucked, while it is awesome, it is somewhat overrated. Most guys are obsessed with head. Don't believe me? Watch any standard porn scene online. It starts with either some shitty dialogue or a conversation, then it turns into a kiss, then maybe he goes down on her for like 2 minutes and then comes this fucking marathon 45 minute blowjob before the banging starts.

Really? I mean, It's hot to look down and see a girl slobbing on my knob, but when I see someone else giving a guy head, it's not that exciting. It's the same feeling people have about baseball, folks will tell me," I like playing it, but not watching it" or "I'd rather watch it live than on television"

Now, I've had some amazing mind (load) blowing head and I've had some pretty awful head as well, but overall it's just a preface before the real story begins. If I go to Chili's, I'm not trying to get full off the chips and salsa. If I'm getting blown, eventually I would like to be fucking soon after.

Conversely, I am a huge fan of eating out. Knowing that I'm pleasuring a girl in such a intimate manner without the use of hands (mostly) is a turn-on for me. And I get that there are women who feel the same about fellatio.

I just feel that most men like to be selfish in bed. And head is the definite example of that. I mean, how many jokes do we hear about women who don't have to give head now that they are married? They didn't just randomly come up with those like dead baby jokes, there's a reason for it.

Sick of the "Scene": a Bar Rant

I really don't think I can do this anymore. I'm 2 weeks away from turning 23, and I have damn near had it with the bar scene. I went to a popular bar in St. Paul the other week, and I got to witness a clinic in what people are doing wrong in this "Scene"

Men and women of my generation need to get their shit together. These girls wonder why the fucking general history major at the local college with the flip-flops, backwards cap and hoody bought you a drink and then called you a bitch when you didn't kiss him after he grabbed your ass? Well here's how that might have been avoided:

1. Ladies, If a guy is buying you a drink, there is a 85-90% chance he has thought about wanting to sleep with you.

This isn't a secret, it's fucking fact. Has been and always will be forever. A guy buying a drink is the icebreaker. For a woman to think otherwise is pretty fuckin stupid. There are exceptions to every rule but you can figure those out just as easily. Just pay some goddamn attention.

2. Dude, Have some Fucking Class!

You look like a douchebag wearing a backwards ballcap with a polo and flip-flops should be left to girls at the beach. You shouldn't be taken seriously looking like you watched porn at home all day. And stop being so fucking pushy. After a while, a girl can figure out what it is you are looking for, and if she can't, then spell it out politely or go seek elsewhere.

3. Girls, don't pull this double switch shit.

You are an attractive looking woman wearing a super tight shirt or dress or jeans with sequins on the ass and high heels. You are going to get stared down all fucking night by men, young and old, taken or single. DO NOT get a fucking attitude when this happens because you know this will happen and that's why you bought the damn outfit in the first fuckin place.

4. Everyone Needs To Be Fucking Honest With Each Other.

The biggest rule everyone needs to follow. Guys, if you're at the bar looking to pull some ass for the night, don't hit on the girl with her arms folded in the corner. Ladies, don't be a bitch and take 4 shots with a guy and then walk away from him because "he's being creepy". Go to the bar and do whatever it is you set out to do, but keep in mind that everyone is there for different reasons. It doesn't make one side better than the other, people just need to communicate better.

3 Drinks You Should Try This Summer

So, summer is basically upon us. This is the time of the year where I lighten up my liquor color,
but increase my intake. So here are 3 drinks you will catch me sippin' on from Now till Labor Day.

Twisted Sister
3 oz Seagram's Gin
2 oz 7-UP
Juice of a Lemon & a Lime
Fill rocks glass with ice, squeeze Lemon and Lime over the ice, then add Gin and 7-UP

New Thug Passion
3 oz Belvidere
2 oz Fu-Ki Cherry Sake
Shake with ice and strain in a rocks glass neat


The Chateau Cooler
3 oz Absolut Grapevine (Passion fruit & Guava Flavored Vodka)
2 oz Nuvo Sparkling Liqueur
2 oz Dole Tangerine Aqua Fresca
dash of Goldschlager
Shake with ice and strain in a rocks glass neat, garnish with Lime